Mexico

So Im in Mexico, Cancun to be exact and i am not sure if I like it or not. I def like the weather! Warm and balmy but I am torn because I know that I am ripping the locals off. Everything here is under construction it seems because of the the Hurricames THAT HAPPEN all the time. It seems like such a waste to keep rebuilding and rebuilding just to bring in the royal dollar and take advantage of the cheap labour. I have seen the places where the locals live and they are not as nice as the hotel! I wonder what the labour laws are here and how long of a work day the people have? do they ever get vacations? They are so eager to serve, are they doing it because they care or do they need that extra american dollar stuffed into their pocket. sO THEY CAN PROVIDE for their three kids and niece and elder parents that live in their three room cement dwelling. How often do the female maids get tacken advantage of by the tourists? ALL THESE QUESTIONS ARE RUNNING THROUGH MY HEAD.
i HATE THIS KEY BOARD!

Dane Cook is my new hero....

Man he makes me laugh! Let me quote something from him for you. *Please be forewarned that this isn't exactly word for word and you need to hear the way he said it*

"Everyone wants to leave a legacy behind....the other day I smashed an icecream cone into a boys face. Then I looked down at him and said 'remember me forever!' "
Ahhhhahhhaaahahahahah Soooo funnny!
Here is a link so you can see him in action. I swear you will pee your pants! Either that or you will shit on some coats!

Today I gave one of the younger girls I work with a ride home. I love this girl! She is so good natured. She is only 14 but she acts like she is 18. So anyway we are driving by the arena listening to her rap station and she waves at the large lit up windows. And says 'this is how I pick up guys. See that? I wave at the guys in the windows and it works'. I just laugh and then she says 'no really it works I've done it before'. Then I say 'ya, do they run out yelling Jessica I want you, come and date me! Jessica! Jessica! Wait for me!' She laughs. Then I said 'ya I know I'm the embarassing cousin' (she knows my little cousin), and then she says 'no you are the cool cousin'. Talk about melt your heart! I'm the cool cousin, who knew?

Screw it I'm romantic and I don't care

I'm not romantic as in buy me roses and jewlry but rather romantic thoughtful.
I have been thinking lately about love and what it looks like? I see those beautiful old people that still hold hands and seem to still have that euphoric love they probably had when they were younge and I wonder how they keep it going? How? I want to have that one day.
Also I have been thinking about how I really do not feel at home anywhere I actually live. And I think that it will always be like. Although I would really like to find 'home ' in someone else. To feel like (sigh) he knows me, he gets me. This is what home is, this is my home, in his arms and in his embrace' (muscular arms are a bonus). A comfort and strong shelter. I want to be able to be that to my future significant other as well. I'm reminded of that song that goes something like '......If feeeeels like Hoooome to me, it feeeels like hooOooome to me da dee daa da da'.
Well now that I made everyone feel uncomfortable or want to vomit in a garbage can I'll sign off.

Guilty Pleasures Revisited Again

1. Dixie Chicks-They make me feel all down home southern, like I'm eating my favourite greasy food from the Cracker Barrel. I had a roomate in college who liked them a lot. She played them all the time and it drove me crazy because I hated country music! NOW I just like the Dixie Chicks, some fiesty girls behind an innocent exterior. I like em!

2. Cadbury Mini Halloween Bars-I have been bingeing as of lately on these little guys. I swore I wounldn't buy any discount candy but with all of the stress I couldn't resist. I hide them in my glove box so mom won't see me eating junk.....although it is beginning to show...if you know what I mean.

3. Organic Chips- Just cuz they are organic doesn't mean they are good for you....but I eat them once and awhile...... okay lately twice in awhile. I think I'm going to go on a juice cleanse soon. My body is beginning to hate me.

(Sigh) Ah ha...PMS

So it turns out the below ramblings are due to a little bit of P-M-S. It gets me everytime! Always makes me an emotional wreck! So the fact that I'm really stressed right now does not help!

My old friend depression

has returned for a repeat visit just in time for the dreariness of winter. Last night was a rough night I cried angry tears in bed and was taunted by demons about how I didn't measure up. I didn't realize it was them at first and then later I heard the faint whispers in my door way.
My head is filled with shouts of 'I hate you' and I'm not sure who I am directing them at. I'm angry! Angry at myself, angry at my hopeless situation.
Depression drowns me and no one wants to be around a depressed person because like a drowning person they will just take the other person down as they thrash around in the water gasping for air. So not only will depression console me but so will my other friend lonliness.

On another note yet another musician I find and love turns out to be dead. First Jeff Buckley and now Elliot Smith. I found Elliot on Pandora, it turns out he has been dead for three years! Such an amazing voice and beautiful melodic compositions lost to a stabbing incident, still under investigation to decide whether or not it was suicide or murder.

So pray for light in my life.

I cried

yesterday it all sunk in and I cried. Then I got angry.....I'm so confused! I feel ripped off.

Fired

I was stripped of my job title as supervisor. Its okay though I no longer have anxiety of going to work because I will be reminded of my short comings all the time. Now I don't have to deal with as many logistics.
I wasn't trained properly and so it isn't really my fault. It was my first supervisor role in a huge organization. You can't just throw a baby into a pool and expect them to swim!?!
I still have 20-25 hours a week and I make 3 dollars less an hour. Yahhh for living with mom and dad still.............boooooo.
God will provide he has something else that will be a better fit. Again I feel a little lost about what the next step is.

I Love to sing...but I'm afraid to

Something happens when i sing in church it feels so great to hear my voice soar as I worship the Lord. Apart of me is filled with pleasure at hearing my voice. Yet, sometimes I wonder if I am being an exhibitionist when i sing in church. i wonder if I am showing off. I don't claim to have the greatest voice but my voice is above average. I'm pretty sure that it is pleasant to the ear. Sometimes I decide not to sing because I'm afraid that I am being prideful buuutttt I find singing can be a euphoric experience. I love it! So why shouldn't I do it? When my heart resonates with the lyrics or mood of a song why should I hold back?

The trouble is when does worshipfull music become performance and when does performance become worship? IE: D? is played on the Uk radio in the top 20 but they are typically considered 'worship' music. Or when does Darlene Czysek (sp?) of Hillsong become just Darlence C gone solo?

We have all these worship music gurus Chris Tomlin, Tim Hughes, David Crowder etc etc and to tell you the truth they all sound the same....the same old anthem type of music with crescendos and descendos at the right places to create the right worship melody. I'm sick of the lack of creativity! I know I know I'm getting all Phil Chalmers on you but it is a conflict I have been struggling with for the past five years now.

Recently I went on a church web site located in Kingston Ontario, they had a music player that you could listen to and it was the first time I actually liked the worshipful music being played! It was edgy creative and folky. Tre cool, hopefully I'm going to go visit the church when I go and see my friend Pam.
And so ends my controversial rant on church music.