I feel alone!

Whats happened to me? I use to have so many friends and now.....I feel like I don't have any!
They all live far away or are wrapped up in they're own lives. I want to call people but I am always afraid they have already made plans and that they will tell me they are busy. I hate rejection!
I use to be so social and now I would rather stay home and watch a movie. Its partly that I don't have any money to go out. Or the wrong people ask me to hang out. Why can't I find people I really enjoy going out with? Why can't I live in Toronto? Why can't I have community again? Why can't I have those goofy guy friends who always made me laugh? Why God Why? I just want to belong and yet I know I am in the place you want me to be. You want me to hang onto you for my security. You want me to run to you.
God yes you are good but I need physical arms around me. I need a human voice to tell me I am loved. Not just anyone though, a dear kind and good friend. But where are they? London, Toronto, Kingston, Guelph, Out West, Sarnia, in a lovers bed, or out with a lover. Where am I? I am left behind writting to the air, flitting my time away on something two people will read. A cold sense of security.
Fuck You!
Yes I'm mad! I'm mad at you! I'm mad at the uncertantity you have given me. The life I lead is unfulfilling. I feel no purpose! I feel that people look down on me or is that my own projection and so what I project people begin to believe as well?
God fill me! Fill me again for I lack joy and love.
Come close to me and make yourself known to me. Gently breath on me "won't you come like the wind?"
I feel alone

An Attempt at Poetry

So in high school I use to write poetry/spocken word. I really did not know how to write poetry because I found it difficult to stay within a rigid structure such as iambic pentameter. Some of my words rhymed and that is about as close to poetry as I got. My poetry was only ever written because I was depressed and was love struck with some guy. So I wrote some 'poetry' awhile back this past year and sadly the only difference is that I have less spelling errors. I have decided to air this poem on the world wide web because......I want to? I don't know why I am doing this I just want to throw myself out here to see if I have the guts to do it. Anyway here it goes....AAAaaaahhhhhhhhh

Nothing More
I wish I never met him
I hate him for being so great
How can someone show such an interest in another and then forget about them?

He had me before hello!
At first I was unimpressed and then I watched from afar and saw more
I was curious about who he was and where he came from, how he had gotten to the place I grew up in.

When I finally met 'Him' he exceeded even more of my expectations.
It was as though the things I had dreamed of in my head had come into human form
He brought me laughter and Joy

Yet I hesitated and held back
to keep my heart in tact
I knew he had given his heart away many times before and so I could mean nothing more than a fun chase and then nothing more

And now that is what it is........
Nothing more.

"That Guy"

You know that guy who everyone just thinks is so great but no one is willing to date him because he is just such a 'great' guy? Well 'that guy' is in my life right now. He is a nice guy and he is fun but beyond that .....nothing!
I met him at the staff party at Christmas. Innitially their was some curiosity, I had seen his picture at work from the Summer before (he works Summers I worked Christmas) and I thought he looked like a cool guy and that it would be a cool to meet him someday. Then I saw him at the Christmas party and matched his face with the picture. Through a series of events we were introduced and we hung out for the rest of the party. Then he asked me to go out for coffee afterwards. That night we went out for coffee and walked by the Bay. I felt comfortable around him and he was fun. My ego was definetly boosted! I had been dealing with winter depression and a bad skin condition on my face.
Eventually the age question came around, I knew he was younger than me and was hoping that he would only be 21. I was thinking "Coooommmme OOOoooonnnn 21!" Well he had just turned 20 Aaaaahhhhh tooo younge! That is younger than my cousin Ryan!
The next day I started contemplating things a little deeper. The excitement of the date wore off and I realized that no I didn't want things to go any further. In fact he just kind of felt like a cousin to me, I felt as if I was hanging out with my cousin Ryan not someone I was romantically interested in.
Well two days later he called me up and invited me over for New Years in my head I was moaning NOOOOOooooo and out of my mouth came "ya sure". I went to the party and was the oldest one their. Everyone was giving him the wink wink nudge nudge. It was then that I realized he was 'that guy'. And I was the girl who had to tell him the 'I just want to be friends line'. I had a good time that night but by the time it was time for me to leave he was slightly enebreated. I gave him a hug good bye and he took the plunge and kissed me on the cheek. Inside I was moaning with agony at what was progressing. I liked the attention but knew if I did not end it soon I wasn't being fair to him or myself.
A couple days later he called me. I felt like crap that day and so I told him I would call him back. I got off the phone had some food and then called him back renewed by the food I had eaten so that I could think straight. I told him the story of seeing his picture and wanting to meet him and then being able to meet him in person. I told him how much fun I had had with him and how I felt like I could be a goof around him and not care. And then....I told him I didn't want things to go any further. He was cool with it we talked for another twenty minutes and then hung up.
He went back to school and we kept in touch while he was away. We hung out on March break one night which was a little awkward but we watched a super cool movie called "Murder Ball". It was about paraplegic athletes who play competitive indoor rugby. Tres cool a must see!
Anyway Spring is here and I am working back at the Garden centre. Dude is back from school and we work at the same work place. The first two weeks were awkward I tried to carry a conversation with him but it was hard. We really have nothing in common and he isn't the most engaging person to talk to. He does not challenge me intellectually or spiritually. I just don't feel a connection with him.
He has been calling me and I have been busy thankfully so I can't hang out with him. Everytime he calls to hang out I just moan with anxiety at having to turn him down. My dad thinks I'm so quirky for feeling this way. Yet, I know what I want when I want it and this is something I don't want. Ya, sure we can hang out but.... I have done that whole 'we're just hanging out' thing before and know that it progresses into more than just hanging out. Even if I set boundaries it is the intimacy of being with someone for prolonged amounts of time that promotes unwanted intimacy. I am female and do have the desire for romance. I can't exactly say that I would put on the brakes right away if he were to put the moves on me or that I would completly disallow a little sparks to fly. I want to protect myself and protect my younge friend.
Maybe I'm blowing this out of proportion but better to be safe than sorry. Right?!

Driving is a Privelege not a Right....so I learned

yesterday. I was pulled over by a police officer after I didn't stop on a red turning right. Okay so this was the scenario. I was coming up to the intersection which is a highway/back road. I had a clear view of the intersection, so I could tell if traffic was coming on the left and whether I would have to stop or not. Well a school bus was turning right from the left onto the street I was on. A black car was behind it so I figured that I could make my right turn without slowing down because the black car would have to slow down for the turning bus. Well it did and then all of sudden it started to pick up spead and then......the lights came on! Not head lights but flashing lights. I hoped it was for the bus ahead of me but I quickly realized it was for me.
So I pulled over, the nice looking police officer came over and asked for my license. Luckily he left me with a warning! A well earned warning! I thanked him incessantly and then drove away relieved. At first I congratulated myself on putting on a remorseful face and voice but then I scolded myself for being so vain and silly. I reminded mysefl that it was by the grace of God that he didn't take the time to write out a ticket and take three points off. I should have known better! My mom has been warning me about my rolling stops and I finally got my slap on the wrist. Thank goodness I don't live in the states where the cops are brutal and easily go on power trips.