I Don't Quite

okay I'll get back on the horse it isn't dead yet.

I quite!

No more, I'm just not the right fit! I learned about what my weaknesses are and now I need to move on into something that is where I fit....but what is that?
This scares me because I don't know what I will do now!

My heart hurts

Oh God help me, I don't want to feel anymore.

"Rules of Engagement"

Their is a certain protocal that should be followed when engaging with friends and people of interest. This protocal will prove whether or not you or the person you are interacting with are genuinly interested in one another.
If the conversation is one sided ie: only one person is doing the talking and the other person is the one asking all the questions. The one sided dialogue proves that the other person does not care to ask the other person how they are doing.
This is an indication that the person doing the most talking is more enamoured with themselves than with the other person. And in conclusion the talkative person is more interested in what the other person thinks of them rather than in who the other person is.

Rule #1
Step out of being self absorbed and look around you. After answering another persons questions about yourself, take an interest in them and ask them how they are doing, what has gone on in their/they're(grammar?) life etc etc.

Rule #2
Take a turn at being the listener. Make a concious effort to do this next time you are spilling your guts to someone. Let them take a turn at sharing.

Rule #3
Practice Empathy. Don't steal someones thunder by changing the subject if they have just poured outh their woes to you and you say something like 'you think thats hard well I blah blah blah'. This just makes the other person feel like their problems are not significant.

Rule #4
If a person is telling a story don't interupt them and then forget to let them finish their story. If they are telling a story then it obviously has meaning to them. If you just aren't getting the point of the story.....ask more questions about it. This helps you understand the person more.

People have worth and we can choose to make them feel like they do or we can choose to steal that sense of worth away from them.
Are we enamoured with them or are we enamoured with them being interested in us?

I am not a robot

Have you ever done something and while you were doing it you thought 'this is what I was born to do, this feels right'. Well I have. These past few weeks I have been holding the children of my friend's at church. Everytime I hold them it feels soooo good. I really believe that God wants me to be a mother. To bear my own children and raise them myself. It is something that pulls at my heart and softens me. He has designed me with this maternal instinct that I just cannot describe. It is something that he has programmed into me, it is apart of my genetic makeup.
Yet I am fearful that motherhood will not come for me until I am in my 30's because my God is a jelous God. He loves me and has kept me close to his heart. I have not been able to share myself with another because He wants me near Him. And I do desire Him as well but I do desire to share myself with another. I want to be a young hip mom. I want my parents to be young enough to run and play with my children.
So God when you are ready then I am ready. But know that I will thoroughly enjoy motherhood when it happens.

Touch

I am not flippant with touch. To some people it may seem like I do not like touch but the truth is I love touch! In fact I crave it. I'm just not flippant with it.
I think that touch should have meaning not just a feeling or a whim. If I am to give someone a kiss I want it to mean something. If I am to give a person a hug I want it to have significance.
Does anyone else feel the same way.

Fall

With death comes beauty.

Healthy Prostates

Dialogue of my grandma's husband after he ate some of my homemade salted pumpkin seeds.

"Adrienne after eating your pumkin seeds I will be sure to have healthy prostates."

I laughed and laughed after he said this to me.

She is Angry

She is angry because in living my life the way that I do shows her what she is missing out on. Because everytime I call or see her something unexpected happens that brings back the reality of her situation.
We can be angry but if we choose to live in anger then it will turn into bitterness.

PLEASE LET GO! MOVE FORWARD! I scream inside of me. Why can't you see that who you have become is what you hate. It isn't worth it because in hurting them you hurt yourself as well. You torture them but you torture yourself in the process.

Seek freedom. Not revenge. Seek freedom. Not irresponsibility. Seek forgiveness. Not forgetfulness.

Grow and move forward into reality not fantasy.

Let go and let Him move in. Let Him heal the wounds inflicted on your heart.