Me and My Struggle with Self

Okay, so this is the post I have put off writting cuz I have been working it out in my head. I didn't know how I could explain this part of who I am to all you cyber readers out their. It is something I am just begining to understand as well. If you all have not noticed already my grammar and spelling in my posts is horrible! Do you want to know why? Sigh....it is part of one of my flaws, my brain doesn't function like everyone elses. I learn very differently from other people. Some would call it a learning dissability but I hate that terminalogy! Cuz, that lumps me in with people who have extreme special needs. I don't! My brain has adapted ways of translating information so that it can comprehend things. Yet, my idiosyncracies shine through sometimes and it can be embarrassing. To look at me and talk to me nothing would seem out of the ordinary....but years of going down to the resource room, falling behind in school while the rest of the class moved ahead because it took me longer to understand things has taken a toll on my ego and self-worth.
So I will explain to you how I learn. I learn very systematically and use all of my senses. Their is not one specific type of learning tool such as auditory, hands on, or visual that I prefer. I need them all! If you want to teach me you have to tell me, show me, and then allow me to do it. If you are to teach me someingthing you also have to repeat it more than once to me and tell me why you are telling me how do something so that I understand the result. So breaking down things for me by detailing each step and not just assuming that I will get it because the step before will determin my course of action.
My thought patterns are very sporadic and jumbled. I do not grasp concepts easily even though I desire to understand things. I love learning and try to be teachable. I will comprehend concepts but will not be able to verbalize them because my thoughts are churning so fast that I can't spit things out or I miss something in the translation of the concept.
Me and numbers do not mix as well! I didn't learn how to tell time until around grade eight, phone numbers do not register very easily, dates fly out my head. I have a natural rhythem towards music & dance but can't follow the tightly scripted mathematical notations of sheet music or beats in a dance routine. An example of me getting confused with numbers is in the CPR class that I am in right now. Remebering how many breaths and compressions for adults, enfants, and children. Plus the order that the different steps one takes in assessing an emergency situation, such as when to check ones pulse, how long do you give AR, etc etc. It gets very jumbled in my head!
I get my left and right confused sometimes, mostly when I am tired. I get very confused when given directions, I can't have anything explained to me vaguely, I need a map and written instructions. Living in Toronto and taking the TTC forced me to learn how to do this more and to not be afraid of it. Their were missed engagements, seedy alleys, wasted tokens, and creepy subway men in the process of my learning process but I did it! My friends were so patient and forgiving towards me.
Ways I have proven to myself that I can overcome my weakness in learning have been completing a university education. Some people who have not had to work through the issues that I have, have not even attempted to get a degree because it seemed too difficult. I have learned how to drive standard, even though I get confused sometimes I can and do drive standard. I struggled the first two months but I did it and continue to do so. The other night my friend Josh taught me how to use the e-brake to do doe-nuts on slick surfaces. This requires some skill but I tackled it, I may not have picked it up as fast as someone else but I did it. Last March I tried wake boarding I got up but it took me several tries (I didn't stay up for long). It has been in my later years that I have gotten rid of caring about what people think of me and tackled different challenges.
I have strengths but haven't been able to develop them because I have had to focus so much on all of my weaknesses. So my skill level has never gotten the proper attention it should have in those areas, so overall I have become average in all areas of my life. My weaknesses have been frustrating but they have also made me stronger. It is the thorn in my flesh that God has given me for a reason. One day I hope that he will heal me of it. Mom has seen me struggle and has prayed for healing. One time during high school I had a dream that I understood all of the concepts I was learning in Math, all of the complex puzzles became clear to me and then when i woke up I had forgotten it all. So in a way I know that I have the capability somewhere in my brain to easily understand that information but for some reason their is a mental block. For now I am learning how to embrace it and use it to my advantage. It has given me an empathy towards others who have it worse of then I do. Sometimes my standards for myself are pretty high and when I can't meet them I find it hard to accept myself. So please pray for me in regards to that. And so this is part of my struggle with self.