A repeat bump into 'the man' and my contemplations with Nouwen

Well I took Jasper for a walk tonight and on our walk I stopped into the variety store to drop off a late movie. As I was about to open the door the patron inside at the clerks desk looked up and to my surprise it was a familiar face so I smiled at him and stepped inside. It was Mr. Popular from September. I began chit chatting with him and as we were talking I saw his face become pink tinged. He was blushing?!? He was blushing because he was talking to me!?! I really feel like I have changed since high school. I think I have a new confidence and I think that is what he may have found attractive about me. I could look him in the eye confidently without being nervous. Oh Mr. Popular you are charming but you are not my type.

So I have been trying to occupy my time by reading more rather than surfing around on the internet. Joe (my pastor) lent me a book by Henri Nouwen called Out of Solitude; Three Meditations on the Christian Life. Nouwen is 'kicking my butt' as my good friend Jeff would say. I know that Joe suggested the book because he sees my struggle to define myself and to see where my strengths are. Yet he has not said something like, you should do this....instead he has just listened to me complain and then when I requested some reading from his library he gave me two books he thought I would benefit from. He said that I should read Nouwen's first. I want to quote you a passage from the book for you all.

But although the desire to be useful can be a sign of mental and spiritual health in our goal oriented society, it can also become the source of a paralyzing lack of self-esteem (I can relate). More often than not we not only have successes, we become our successes.....When we start being too impressed by the results of our work, we slowly come to the erroneous conviction that life is one large scorboard where someone is listing the points to measure our worth.....in short we are worthwhile because we have successes. In many people's lives, there is a nearly diabolic chain in which their anxieties grow according to their successes. This dark power has driven many of the greatest artists into self-destruction......we brag about the highest tower etc etc........But underneath all our emphasis on successful action, many of us suffer from deep-seated, low self-esteem and are walking around with the constant fear that someday someone will unmask the illusion and show that we are not as smart, as good, or as lovable as the world was made to believe. Once in a while someone will confess in an intimate moment, "Everyone thinks I'm very composed, but if only they knew how I really feel......" This nagging self-doubt is at the basis of so much depression in the lives of many people who are struggling it is at the basis of so much depression.....this corroding fear for the discovery of weakness prevents community and creative sharing.....we are tempted to become low hearted because of a constant self-rejection. And we are in serious danger of becoming isolated, since friendship and love are impossible without mutual vulnerability.....

With the demotion of my job has come great sorrow. I feel like I have failed. I wanted so badly to prove myself! Ever since I had to have special help in school I have wanted to do things on my own, to have help showed a sign of weakness. Now I find it hard to recieve assistance because I want to be capable of doing things on my own. When i fail I do reject myself. I feel un-worthy of being able to connect with others because I compare they're success to mine. I guess it turns out that I am not the only one who struggles wit these things. Who knew? But if success does not define us that what does? Yes, God does but how does He if we don't have to do anything? We submit to him but in being in submission we choose to do His will. And what is His will? To glorify Him. How do we glorify Him? By using our gifts. What are our gifts? How do we find them? Everything seems very ambigous, nothing is really defined. Do you see my struggle? I want to do but I want to not do at the same time? Ahhh I'm talking in circles now!