Adrienne's Incoherent Rambling

My Birthday!

2007-01-10T00:14:00.000-05:00

Today I had a beautiful Birthday! I spent it with two of my dearest friends and my mother. We went to Troy MI to a beautiful Mall. It was sooo good to be with two kindred spirits. I prayed for God to give me snow and guess what!?! He did! One of my friends even took off work at the last minute to be with me.
This week I was kinda sad because I didn't feel like I had a little 'club' to hang out with anymore and then God gives me a day like today! I feel so special. He heard my heart and responded. He is such a sweet and kind God. I love Him dearly.

On to other breaking news. I am no longer going to be blogging on here anymore. My dad found my little space and so now I have to abandon this page. I will be starting a new blog though. Those of you who read this and have my e/m, write to me and I will give you my new site addy. Those of you who do not have my addy. Sorry you are out of luck, unless you know a friend of mine who can give you my new web address you won't be hearing my ramblings. I feel like I should stop while I'm ahead anyway. If you google me, you will find that my blog comes up third on the list. I'm a little famous now.....just let me think that okay. So good bye to Adrienne's Incoherent Ramblings, you served your purpose up until dad found this page.

You were suppose to be with me today.

I wish I was assexual!

2007-01-07T14:54:00.000-05:00

I wish that I did not have romanitic tendancies or emotions. I just do not want to feel anymore, I don't want to crave what does not exist in my life at this point in time and has not existed for quite a long time. I have been wondering if people born with down syndrome or some sort of mental delay have romantic inclinations? I think it would be so much easier in life to not feel romantic love, to be void of my emotional side.
The euphoria of younge love is such a draw for me, to have a break from my mundane life would be great! I'm a passionate person and so I have a desire to be with someone I can 'share life with'. To tell all my fears and secrets to, essentially I want a best friend.

Why this rant on romance? Dad had another talk with me about going to some singles groups. He thinks I need to be more deliberate about seeking someone out. This kind of seems forced!?! Isn't love suppose to be spontanious? Won't God bring someone into my life of interest at the right time? I have found in the past that if I force something before its time that I do not succeed. Isn't that the case with love as well? I can send out the right come hither signals but if it isn't right then God won't let it come into fruition. Whether I get scared and run or the other person moves away, gets to clingy, or just isn't that interested(ing). It seems like nothing has felt 'right' except for one guy, one pretty amazing guy who went cold on me. One day I'll tell you about him, you'll have to wait though because he plays a part in this blog.

Song Playing Right Now: Juliana Theory's 'Deadbeat Sweatheartbeat' *It reflects my mood right now.

Recurring Dream and a Sliver Under my Skin!

2007-01-05T23:02:00.000-05:00

I have a recurring dream where I am pregnant but I'm not just pregnant, I'm pregnant out of wed-lock. In fact I'm not even in a relationship. Instead of joy I find myself in despair, seeing all of my freedom and dreams going down the tube because I'll be stuck with a baby. This dream is so vivid sometimes that even when I'm awake it takes me a couple moments to come to. I want to have kids one day but if I have them I want to do it right. I guess now I have a sense of what some women feel like and why they would want to terminate the baby inside. In one of my dreams I actually thought about getting an abortion. Oh man my dreams can be pretty vivid at times.

Urrrrghhhh I have a co-worker at work who just gets under my skin all the time! It seems that every little error I do is a cause for a hissy fit, she has no grace or mercy towards me! It is as though I am intentionally trying to do the wrong thing all the time. I'm the type of person who tries to do the right thing and the best thing all the time. When I screw up I admit it and I try to make things right. I'm frustrated and hurt. Sometimes I wonder if God is trying to teach me a lesson about grace. Maybe in the past I have not been gracious towards others and he wants me to feel what it is like. Kinda of like a type of bad Karma. God I'm sorry, if I have been ungracious, please forgive me but I don't know how much more I can take of this women! She makes me feel inadequate all the time! Maybe this is a way of pushing me to leave???? Or maybe this is a test???? I don't know I'm confused and guilt ridden.

Racism; A Reminder to Canadians

2006-12-30T22:02:00.000-05:00

I just finished watching Crash and it was a reminder of how racism is still very prevalent. It wasn't one of those happy ending movies where blacks and whites become friends at the end but it showed the subtle ways racism seeps into American culture.

We Canadian's see these U.S. movies and think 'man not another movie on racism haven't they gotten it right?'. But apparently they haven't..... but niether have Canadians, I'll get to that later. Johanna, my faithful blog reader told me about a Afro Canadian friend who is attending a reputable educational institution in the U.S.. If I get the story right, (Joh forgive me if I don't) he has started seeing a white girl. Apparently this is still considered some what of a fopa(sp?) because people have made comments to them both about how it........isn't quite right. Now in Canada I do not think that this would be as big of a deal. But in the states their are still the black segregated ghettos, not purposefully seperated by the government but because of prejudice....prejudge between both races, a disdain for each other. Okay I do not claim to know a lot about this so I'm not going to speak about this much more.
On to what I did want to talk about. I want to talk about racism that exists in Canada. Racism between Native Canadians and white Canadians. We have government enforced native segregated reserves, laws that say if a native women marries a none native man then she looses (sp? loses) her native rights, and we have very poor conditions for our natives on a lot of the reserves. We learn very little about the atrocities natives have endured in the past. The horrible disease infected Hudson Bay blankets that were traded for the beautiful beaver pelts, the horrendous native brothels, the sickening abuse that happened in the mandatory native schools (Catholic no less) and the use of alcohol to cheat the natives out of land by feading their addiction(we intoduced them to liquour) for the liquour. I'm sure that their is more but I do not know about it. I have a friend who said that when he was in a hockey league they were told to hit the native teams extra hard. That was probably only about 8-10 years ago! My whole life I have been told how slothful and alcoholic natives were. How they just used the government. Yes, some of them might be but why are they?

This is why! Our government has been an enabler, they have used money as a band-aid to try and fix the problems. Money to help kill the pain at having lost their cultural heritage, the abused have become abusers within their communities. Natives continue to abuse alcohol to numb the pain they have and to fill the sedative life style some of them live because they do not need to work because....... the government enables them not to. Money will not fill the void! They are slaves to Canada, they're 'native land', slaves to a government that chooses to push them aside realizing the hole they have dug for these beautiful people and for themselves has become deeper and deeper. My heart hurts for this people group because they are a lost group that do not belong to they're own country. They have no native land to try and return to for comfort.
So what can we do? Well.... we could learn from our trigger happy American nieghbors that entertainment is a source of education. They have movies that educate people about the history of racism yet they end the movies with hope for a resolution through exceptance of culture and heritage. If anyone out here on the internet sees this post and you are in the film industry I strongly urge you to find a screenplay to make a major motion picture about natives. And if you do take my advice do not make the hero some white guy who was adopted by some warrior tribe AKA last of the Mohican's. Oh, and make lots of different movies because racism dies very slowly!

Special thanks goes to my second year professor of Canadian Youth Culture, she enlightened me to these current problems within our government. It was a class that made me more aware of what it meant to be Canadian and less like an American.

The Female Species: Complicated but not too complex

2006-12-28T15:01:00.000-05:00

Women know what they don't want they just don't know what they do want.

The End

Rantings on ugly Crocs

2006-12-23T20:36:00.000-05:00

I think crocs are ugly! I don't know why so many people like them!?! They are like the return of jelly shoes except they are way less cool than jelly shoes. Jelly shoes at least reminded me of jelly and jelly is good to eat! Especially orange jell-o or turkish delight! Crocs make your feat sweat and the shape of the faux clog just isn't workin because you can't even clog with them. I think guys that wear them look femmy. The only reason they are selling is because they have been mass produced in large quantities and are an affordable price. This makes people buy them but they are just a fad people, don't give into the fad.
(Shudder) ughhhhh I hate crocs.

What would Jesus wear?

2006-12-22T09:18:00.000-05:00

Apparently he wouldn't wear skull and crossbone mittens. According to my aunt they are a symbol of death and pirates were and are still horrible people. "why would you want to wear something that represents death and evil?"
Oh aunty I think it is cool and I like the mysticism that surrounds pirate tales. I didn't say that because I knew my efforts would be fruitless and I would get my emotions involved and then I wouldn't be able to see her at Christmas.

Milestone

2006-12-21T18:57:00.000-05:00

I can put my hair in a cute little ponytail! My hair has grown long enough to put in a ponytail, it only took me a year and a half! I think it looks schiek.

What the hell is coding!

2006-12-21T09:48:00.000-05:00

I'm frustrated! I want to edit this frickin blog so that I can personalize it to my style but I don't know how to fenagle the coding???? Gosh darn I hate this whole computer savvy thing, you all tell me 'oh Adrienne I'll show you how to put pictures on here' or 'ya I'll teach you how to link things to your site' but you never do! Golly gee this is infuriating!

How to not let go....

2006-12-19T21:45:00.000-05:00

If you do not want to let go of someone then use this recipe. I have been using for a little while now.

1.Listen to the band The Fray
Their soulful(sp?) crescending and descending off key ballads will make any heart sink and soar in a matter of seconds. Nothing like some dramatic piano and angry guitar together.

2. Be reminded of them everytime you hear their name.
It seems that lots of kids that attend the Y who have been born within the past five years have this persons name! Urgghhh

3. Be a hopeless sappy romantic and hold on and then let go and then hold on and then let go and then hold on and then let go. Repeat until you are so angry with yourself that you feel guilty for indulgeing in your daydreams.

AHHHHHH I torture myself!
I need to let go!

Greatest Fears

2006-12-06T13:45:00.000-05:00

*I'm being brutally honest and vulnerable in this post. These are things I have seriously contemplated*

1. Being raped.
2. Haveing an unfaithful husband.
3. Being infertile.
4. Disapointing my parents.
5. Dying a slow painful death.
6. My children will not have grandparents who can run and play with them.
7. Having a child with some sort of birth defect.
8. Getting into some sort of accident that causes me to have horrible scars. AKA losing my beauty.
9. Being alone.
10. Finding the love of my life and then losing him after only a year of marraige.

Four plus four = 8

2006-12-05T21:22:00.000-05:00

Tonight while I was coaching gymnastics one of my favourite students Ned was in attendance. I asked Ned a simple question but simple questions aren't always comprehended by him, ahahahha he makes me laugh so much! Our dialogue went something like this.

Me: Ned what grade are you in?

Ned: Eeeiiigh....errr...Four!

Me: (chuckle) Oh

Ned: (slight pause, pensive look and then in a exasperated easy going tone) I almost said eight because 4 plus 4 equals 8.

Me: (laughing) Your right. That it does.

Me: (I then tell my co-worker about our little dialogue and she laughs. I then pose another simple question to Ned.) Ned how old are you?

Ned: 8. No! 9!

Me: (I laugh again) Well you know 8 plus 1 equals 9 Ned!

Aww too cute! It is nights like these that help me to know why I keep doing this.

A repeat bump into 'the man' and my contemplations with Nouwen

2006-12-03T22:16:00.000-05:00

Well I took Jasper for a walk tonight and on our walk I stopped into the variety store to drop off a late movie. As I was about to open the door the patron inside at the clerks desk looked up and to my surprise it was a familiar face so I smiled at him and stepped inside. It was Mr. Popular from September. I began chit chatting with him and as we were talking I saw his face become pink tinged. He was blushing?!? He was blushing because he was talking to me!?! I really feel like I have changed since high school. I think I have a new confidence and I think that is what he may have found attractive about me. I could look him in the eye confidently without being nervous. Oh Mr. Popular you are charming but you are not my type.

So I have been trying to occupy my time by reading more rather than surfing around on the internet. Joe (my pastor) lent me a book by Henri Nouwen called Out of Solitude; Three Meditations on the Christian Life. Nouwen is 'kicking my butt' as my good friend Jeff would say. I know that Joe suggested the book because he sees my struggle to define myself and to see where my strengths are. Yet he has not said something like, you should do this....instead he has just listened to me complain and then when I requested some reading from his library he gave me two books he thought I would benefit from. He said that I should read Nouwen's first. I want to quote you a passage from the book for you all.

But although the desire to be useful can be a sign of mental and spiritual health in our goal oriented society, it can also become the source of a paralyzing lack of self-esteem (I can relate). More often than not we not only have successes, we become our successes.....When we start being too impressed by the results of our work, we slowly come to the erroneous conviction that life is one large scorboard where someone is listing the points to measure our worth.....in short we are worthwhile because we have successes. In many people's lives, there is a nearly diabolic chain in which their anxieties grow according to their successes. This dark power has driven many of the greatest artists into self-destruction......we brag about the highest tower etc etc........But underneath all our emphasis on successful action, many of us suffer from deep-seated, low self-esteem and are walking around with the constant fear that someday someone will unmask the illusion and show that we are not as smart, as good, or as lovable as the world was made to believe. Once in a while someone will confess in an intimate moment, "Everyone thinks I'm very composed, but if only they knew how I really feel......" This nagging self-doubt is at the basis of so much depression in the lives of many people who are struggling it is at the basis of so much depression.....this corroding fear for the discovery of weakness prevents community and creative sharing.....we are tempted to become low hearted because of a constant self-rejection. And we are in serious danger of becoming isolated, since friendship and love are impossible without mutual vulnerability.....

With the demotion of my job has come great sorrow. I feel like I have failed. I wanted so badly to prove myself! Ever since I had to have special help in school I have wanted to do things on my own, to have help showed a sign of weakness. Now I find it hard to recieve assistance because I want to be capable of doing things on my own. When i fail I do reject myself. I feel un-worthy of being able to connect with others because I compare they're success to mine. I guess it turns out that I am not the only one who struggles wit these things. Who knew? But if success does not define us that what does? Yes, God does but how does He if we don't have to do anything? We submit to him but in being in submission we choose to do His will. And what is His will? To glorify Him. How do we glorify Him? By using our gifts. What are our gifts? How do we find them? Everything seems very ambigous, nothing is really defined. Do you see my struggle? I want to do but I want to not do at the same time? Ahhh I'm talking in circles now!

Sacred Art

2006-12-01T21:13:00.000-05:00

Last week before I went to Cancun I dropped my dog off at my aunt's in London. After I dropped him off I went down-town to grab an icecream and walk around Victoria park. It was an abnormally nice day so I didn't want to waste it driving all day. Beside the park is a huge beautiful Catholic church that I have alway wanted to go in and look around at. I have only been inside one Catholic church before and that was in San Fran. It wasn't very big or all that old because the great fire of San Francisco had burned it down back in the day.
The Catholic church in London is much older than the one from SF, apparently it was the first church ever built in London. So I went in and started looking around. It was gorgeous! It is the type of church I would love to get married in except I'm not Catholic. It had beatiful stained glass that created rainbows of shadows on the opposing walls, it had spectacular candle lit prayer stations that were accented with gold foiled statues and a plaster knock off statue of the Christ and Mary(forget the proper name) that I learned about in OAC art history.
When I entered the sanctuary I was filled with a sense of aw and sacredness. The space was definetly meant to be a sacred place of quiet contemplative reflection on Christ's death. Another girl walked inside after I did. She went to a pew and knelt to pray. I un-ceremonially pulled out my camera and started snapping pictures of all the art. I felt a little rude about doing it but I just couldn't pass up the opportunity of capturing what I saw. The girl began lighting candles shortly and then suddenly this bossy snarky voice piped up and said 'you have to pay for all of those you know'. The girl and I looked up stunned because I think we had both thought that we were the only two people inside the church. The girl just said a small scared 'oh' and then scurried to her bag to get some coins. I was really annoyed at the nasty lady who had scolded the girl and was very tempted to say something along the lines of 'wow, what would jesus say?' or 'who cares! It is her first time in a Catholic church'. But I held my tongue and just prayed that the girl would not be afraid to enter a church again because of some stupid protective catholic born women who held onto the ritual rather than the love of her faith.
What I had noticed about the other girl who had entered the church to pray was that she looked like she was of Eastern decent, not your typical white anglo euro catholic. I thought that she could have been Italian but I'm pretty sure she wasn't. It made me wonder why she had come to the chuch? Maybe like myself she had alway seen the church and wanted to go in and then when she saw me enter she decided to take a chance as well. Maybe she was realizing her own faith was not the faith that she wanted to be a part of and so she timidly scurried into the shelter of the monstrous catholic church?
As I was admiring the art I was taking pictures of I wondered 'If I am taking pictures of these pieces of art am I making art myself or am I just stealing someone elses art?' Cuz I was capturing the pieces at different angles, playing with the reflection of light glinting off of them. I'm not sure? I'm sorry I still can't figure out how to DL pics on here but I'll try and DL the pics onto my myspace for you to see.
Also I know that Catholic churches have been built as acts of worship not simply to be the biggest and most beautiful but at a cost to the patrons who attend. Sometimes it took hundreds of years for european churches to be built. People would sometimes never see the finished products of their labour. You look at churches today and they are so sterile, they may have the odd banner hanging from the wall but no intricate craftsmanship in the design. The only thought that goes into the design is to have a large enough gym to have a huge basketball event for the youth group.
These are just my meanderings on church art.

I miss you.

Mexico

2006-11-27T16:06:00.000-05:00

So Im in Mexico, Cancun to be exact and i am not sure if I like it or not. I def like the weather! Warm and balmy but I am torn because I know that I am ripping the locals off. Everything here is under construction it seems because of the the Hurricames THAT HAPPEN all the time. It seems like such a waste to keep rebuilding and rebuilding just to bring in the royal dollar and take advantage of the cheap labour. I have seen the places where the locals live and they are not as nice as the hotel! I wonder what the labour laws are here and how long of a work day the people have? do they ever get vacations? They are so eager to serve, are they doing it because they care or do they need that extra american dollar stuffed into their pocket. sO THEY CAN PROVIDE for their three kids and niece and elder parents that live in their three room cement dwelling. How often do the female maids get tacken advantage of by the tourists? ALL THESE QUESTIONS ARE RUNNING THROUGH MY HEAD.
i HATE THIS KEY BOARD!

Dane Cook is my new hero....

2006-11-21T21:55:00.000-05:00

Man he makes me laugh! Let me quote something from him for you. *Please be forewarned that this isn't exactly word for word and you need to hear the way he said it*

"Everyone wants to leave a legacy behind....the other day I smashed an icecream cone into a boys face. Then I looked down at him and said 'remember me forever!' "
Ahhhhahhhaaahahahahah Soooo funnny!
Here is a link so you can see him in action. I swear you will pee your pants! Either that or you will shit on some coats!

Today I gave one of the younger girls I work with a ride home. I love this girl! She is so good natured. She is only 14 but she acts like she is 18. So anyway we are driving by the arena listening to her rap station and she waves at the large lit up windows. And says 'this is how I pick up guys. See that? I wave at the guys in the windows and it works'. I just laugh and then she says 'no really it works I've done it before'. Then I say 'ya, do they run out yelling Jessica I want you, come and date me! Jessica! Jessica! Wait for me!' She laughs. Then I said 'ya I know I'm the embarassing cousin' (she knows my little cousin), and then she says 'no you are the cool cousin'. Talk about melt your heart! I'm the cool cousin, who knew?

Screw it I'm romantic and I don't care

2006-11-17T21:20:00.000-05:00

I'm not romantic as in buy me roses and jewlry but rather romantic thoughtful.
I have been thinking lately about love and what it looks like? I see those beautiful old people that still hold hands and seem to still have that euphoric love they probably had when they were younge and I wonder how they keep it going? How? I want to have that one day.
Also I have been thinking about how I really do not feel at home anywhere I actually live. And I think that it will always be like. Although I would really like to find 'home ' in someone else. To feel like (sigh) he knows me, he gets me. This is what home is, this is my home, in his arms and in his embrace' (muscular arms are a bonus). A comfort and strong shelter. I want to be able to be that to my future significant other as well. I'm reminded of that song that goes something like '......If feeeeels like Hoooome to me, it feeeels like hooOooome to me da dee daa da da'.
Well now that I made everyone feel uncomfortable or want to vomit in a garbage can I'll sign off.

Guilty Pleasures Revisited Again

2006-11-11T19:02:00.000-05:00

1. Dixie Chicks-They make me feel all down home southern, like I'm eating my favourite greasy food from the Cracker Barrel. I had a roomate in college who liked them a lot. She played them all the time and it drove me crazy because I hated country music! NOW I just like the Dixie Chicks, some fiesty girls behind an innocent exterior. I like em!

2. Cadbury Mini Halloween Bars-I have been bingeing as of lately on these little guys. I swore I wounldn't buy any discount candy but with all of the stress I couldn't resist. I hide them in my glove box so mom won't see me eating junk.....although it is beginning to show...if you know what I mean.

3. Organic Chips- Just cuz they are organic doesn't mean they are good for you....but I eat them once and awhile...... okay lately twice in awhile. I think I'm going to go on a juice cleanse soon. My body is beginning to hate me.

(Sigh) Ah ha...PMS

2006-11-10T22:17:00.000-05:00

So it turns out the below ramblings are due to a little bit of P-M-S. It gets me everytime! Always makes me an emotional wreck! So the fact that I'm really stressed right now does not help!

My old friend depression

2006-11-10T09:57:00.000-05:00

has returned for a repeat visit just in time for the dreariness of winter. Last night was a rough night I cried angry tears in bed and was taunted by demons about how I didn't measure up. I didn't realize it was them at first and then later I heard the faint whispers in my door way.
My head is filled with shouts of 'I hate you' and I'm not sure who I am directing them at. I'm angry! Angry at myself, angry at my hopeless situation.
Depression drowns me and no one wants to be around a depressed person because like a drowning person they will just take the other person down as they thrash around in the water gasping for air. So not only will depression console me but so will my other friend lonliness.

On another note yet another musician I find and love turns out to be dead. First Jeff Buckley and now Elliot Smith. I found Elliot on Pandora, it turns out he has been dead for three years! Such an amazing voice and beautiful melodic compositions lost to a stabbing incident, still under investigation to decide whether or not it was suicide or murder.

So pray for light in my life.

I cried

2006-11-09T15:43:00.000-05:00

yesterday it all sunk in and I cried. Then I got angry.....I'm so confused! I feel ripped off.

Fired

2006-11-07T21:51:00.000-05:00

I was stripped of my job title as supervisor. Its okay though I no longer have anxiety of going to work because I will be reminded of my short comings all the time. Now I don't have to deal with as many logistics.
I wasn't trained properly and so it isn't really my fault. It was my first supervisor role in a huge organization. You can't just throw a baby into a pool and expect them to swim!?!
I still have 20-25 hours a week and I make 3 dollars less an hour. Yahhh for living with mom and dad still.............boooooo.
God will provide he has something else that will be a better fit. Again I feel a little lost about what the next step is.

I Love to sing...but I'm afraid to

2006-11-03T20:53:00.000-05:00

Something happens when i sing in church it feels so great to hear my voice soar as I worship the Lord. Apart of me is filled with pleasure at hearing my voice. Yet, sometimes I wonder if I am being an exhibitionist when i sing in church. i wonder if I am showing off. I don't claim to have the greatest voice but my voice is above average. I'm pretty sure that it is pleasant to the ear. Sometimes I decide not to sing because I'm afraid that I am being prideful buuutttt I find singing can be a euphoric experience. I love it! So why shouldn't I do it? When my heart resonates with the lyrics or mood of a song why should I hold back?

The trouble is when does worshipfull music become performance and when does performance become worship? IE: D? is played on the Uk radio in the top 20 but they are typically considered 'worship' music. Or when does Darlene Czysek (sp?) of Hillsong become just Darlence C gone solo?

We have all these worship music gurus Chris Tomlin, Tim Hughes, David Crowder etc etc and to tell you the truth they all sound the same....the same old anthem type of music with crescendos and descendos at the right places to create the right worship melody. I'm sick of the lack of creativity! I know I know I'm getting all Phil Chalmers on you but it is a conflict I have been struggling with for the past five years now.

Recently I went on a church web site located in Kingston Ontario, they had a music player that you could listen to and it was the first time I actually liked the worshipful music being played! It was edgy creative and folky. Tre cool, hopefully I'm going to go visit the church when I go and see my friend Pam.
And so ends my controversial rant on church music.

I Don't Quite

2006-10-27T20:41:00.000-04:00

okay I'll get back on the horse it isn't dead yet.

I quite!

2006-10-26T12:19:00.000-04:00

No more, I'm just not the right fit! I learned about what my weaknesses are and now I need to move on into something that is where I fit....but what is that?
This scares me because I don't know what I will do now!

My heart hurts

2006-10-25T19:16:00.000-04:00

Oh God help me, I don't want to feel anymore.

"Rules of Engagement"

2006-10-23T12:54:00.000-04:00

Their is a certain protocal that should be followed when engaging with friends and people of interest. This protocal will prove whether or not you or the person you are interacting with are genuinly interested in one another.
If the conversation is one sided ie: only one person is doing the talking and the other person is the one asking all the questions. The one sided dialogue proves that the other person does not care to ask the other person how they are doing.
This is an indication that the person doing the most talking is more enamoured with themselves than with the other person. And in conclusion the talkative person is more interested in what the other person thinks of them rather than in who the other person is.

Rule #1
Step out of being self absorbed and look around you. After answering another persons questions about yourself, take an interest in them and ask them how they are doing, what has gone on in their/they're(grammar?) life etc etc.

Rule #2
Take a turn at being the listener. Make a concious effort to do this next time you are spilling your guts to someone. Let them take a turn at sharing.

Rule #3
Practice Empathy. Don't steal someones thunder by changing the subject if they have just poured outh their woes to you and you say something like 'you think thats hard well I blah blah blah'. This just makes the other person feel like their problems are not significant.

Rule #4
If a person is telling a story don't interupt them and then forget to let them finish their story. If they are telling a story then it obviously has meaning to them. If you just aren't getting the point of the story.....ask more questions about it. This helps you understand the person more.

People have worth and we can choose to make them feel like they do or we can choose to steal that sense of worth away from them.
Are we enamoured with them or are we enamoured with them being interested in us?

I am not a robot

2006-10-16T22:09:00.000-04:00

Have you ever done something and while you were doing it you thought 'this is what I was born to do, this feels right'. Well I have. These past few weeks I have been holding the children of my friend's at church. Everytime I hold them it feels soooo good. I really believe that God wants me to be a mother. To bear my own children and raise them myself. It is something that pulls at my heart and softens me. He has designed me with this maternal instinct that I just cannot describe. It is something that he has programmed into me, it is apart of my genetic makeup.
Yet I am fearful that motherhood will not come for me until I am in my 30's because my God is a jelous God. He loves me and has kept me close to his heart. I have not been able to share myself with another because He wants me near Him. And I do desire Him as well but I do desire to share myself with another. I want to be a young hip mom. I want my parents to be young enough to run and play with my children.
So God when you are ready then I am ready. But know that I will thoroughly enjoy motherhood when it happens.

Touch

2006-10-12T13:26:00.000-04:00

I am not flippant with touch. To some people it may seem like I do not like touch but the truth is I love touch! In fact I crave it. I'm just not flippant with it.
I think that touch should have meaning not just a feeling or a whim. If I am to give someone a kiss I want it to mean something. If I am to give a person a hug I want it to have significance.
Does anyone else feel the same way.

Fall

2006-10-10T22:24:00.000-04:00

With death comes beauty.

Healthy Prostates

2006-10-08T12:03:00.000-04:00

Dialogue of my grandma's husband after he ate some of my homemade salted pumpkin seeds.

"Adrienne after eating your pumkin seeds I will be sure to have healthy prostates."

I laughed and laughed after he said this to me.

She is Angry

2006-10-01T15:36:00.000-04:00

She is angry because in living my life the way that I do shows her what she is missing out on. Because everytime I call or see her something unexpected happens that brings back the reality of her situation.
We can be angry but if we choose to live in anger then it will turn into bitterness.

PLEASE LET GO! MOVE FORWARD! I scream inside of me. Why can't you see that who you have become is what you hate. It isn't worth it because in hurting them you hurt yourself as well. You torture them but you torture yourself in the process.

Seek freedom. Not revenge. Seek freedom. Not irresponsibility. Seek forgiveness. Not forgetfulness.

Grow and move forward into reality not fantasy.

Let go and let Him move in. Let Him heal the wounds inflicted on your heart.

Space Is Stupid!

2006-09-30T18:38:00.000-04:00

Why do we spend millions of dollars on exploring boring old space when we have starving war torn countries on earth?
Can anyone give me a reasonable answer?

Sick of the Dating Game

2006-09-25T22:45:00.000-04:00

"Do you want me to pick you up? Slight pause er ummm I'll pick you up."
Hours later
"So what kind of dog do you have"
"Do you work out at all"
"Do you have any siblings"
End
"so do you want to do dinner sometime this week?"
Me
In my mind I'm thinking "don't ask me this question while I'm face to face with you because I won't be able to say no". I don't want to have to see you're face fall and feel really bad. Yet even if you were to call me I would have a hard time saying the word spelt N.O. Its like I forget how to say that word when I get in those types of situations. I'm left thinking how do I say N.O. tactfully.
I'm sick of the dating game. I'm sick of trying not to look at my watch to see when the date is going to end.
When am I going to go on that date when I don't want the date to end and I can't wait for them to call me back.
Uuuurgghhhh this is frustrating!

Secret Revealed

So I tried a trial run on the Christian dating thing just to see who would bite. It was a two week long account. Well I contacted three guys. None of them replied back to me. The only two people who took a shining to me couldn't speak english very well and were from Africa. They probably wanted to meet a Canadian girl in order to get a easy visa.

Insert Foot in Mouth

2006-09-23T13:49:00.000-04:00

You know what I'm sick of? Not saying things right and then not being able to say the right thing.
I wish that I could just speak my mind to people without people getting hurt or defensive. I don't want to hold back.
I want to express my opinion!
This is what I think, now deal with it.

My Definition of Art

2006-09-16T18:39:00.000-04:00

Nothing into something
Art is what you want it to be.

IE: urinal=fountain, random noise=experimental music, empty canvas into masterpiece, the right angle in a photograph of a worn out door.

Artists create 'thing' into 'something'

Oh man my head hurts I'm having flash backs of my Aesthetics class on the philosophy of art.
This is me trying to be brainy.

The Air Is Thick

2006-09-08T21:08:00.000-04:00

Tonight the air is so thick you could cut with a knife. It is hot and humid, I think it is like being in a dream. The moon is big and orange and the sky is deep blue with navy clouds. All I can hear are crickets and tree toads chirping. If I could choose a night to fall deeply and shamelessly in love on tonight would be the night! Tonight would be the night I would give a kiss away.
Sigh I love this weather, God please don't take it away.

Sucker for a Charmer with Pretty Eyes

2006-09-02T01:19:00.000-04:00

So it seems that I am a sucker for charming, witty, pretty boys with nice eyes. Despite whether they are five years older than me or seven years younger than me. AHHHHHhhhhh I'm such an extremist!

How to Look Younger Without Botox

2006-08-25T16:26:00.000-04:00

1. Bleach your hair three times lighter than it actually is.

2. Go tanning until your skin is 5x darker than it should be.

4. Wear press on nails in bright colours and add little charms.

5. Wear heals that are too high for you.

6. Wear skirts that are almost like belts but aren't really.

7. Wear bright lipstick.

8. Over do your eye makeup

9. Get a tatoo of a geico or your daughter.

10. Wear contacts that make your eyes look really blue or really green.

Don't be surprised if you get called cougar or mistaken for a hooker.

*I'm sure that with a title like this I'll get lots of hits.

Disposable People

2006-08-21T16:33:00.000-04:00

In a society full of consumerism I see that people have become disposable. People use each other to gain what they want from the other person and then throw them away without another thought.

1. A young 14 year old girl diagnosed with ovarian cancer probably given to her from some std given to her by a 42 year old man who took advantage of her.

2. A 19 year old girl who fools around with two best friends and keeps it a secret from the one. When the one feels guilt about what he is doing and decides to confess to his friend she shrugs it off as no big deal.

3. Child pornography being rampant. AKA smarmy little men caught in Thailand who use their little American card to flee the rath of the Thai government and get treated like royalty in the American criminal system. Where is justice???

4. Intelligent guys who use women like they are toys and then wonder why they are lonely.

5. The sex trade (must I say more)

6. People using each other to one up themselves in the career world with no thought for the fate of the other.

7. Rape

8. One night stands

9. Divorce. Two people who decide that their marraige just isn't worth working on anymore so it needs to die. They have lost the will to try and make things work or to change themselves for the better of their spouse. So sad!

Most of these are sex related. What God made to be something beautiful the devil has distorted into something awful. Wow these are some bold words I'm writting today.
PS if you want to add more to my list feel free to comment.

*Side note I am watching two horny black squirrels outside my window....ahhhh the beauty of nature Hee hee*

Google ME!

2006-08-21T16:25:00.000-04:00

So I googled myself annnnnd I found myself! My blog came up googled! Also you can find my resume as well. (insert valley girl voice) Oh I am like so popular now! No but really it made my day.

Do I Live by Fear or by Faith

2006-08-16T20:55:00.000-04:00

So its official I'm off minicycline(?) for my adult acne. It is a step of faith, faith that God has healed my body of the horrible infection that has haunted me since last Spring.
Do I have faith that he will provide me with a life mate?
Do I have faith that I will not screw up this new job?
Do I have faith that I'll get a raise and be able to buy that dream bike (soft yellow) of mine plus have enugh money for new tires for my car and Christmas money for my huge extended families and plethora of friends?
Or do I live in fear that God does not know what is best for me?

My Thoughs on Voting

2006-08-14T22:14:00.000-04:00

You either vote and lose your morality or you vote and lose your planet. It is a lose lose situation people.

No I Will Not Undress For You

2006-08-03T14:27:00.002-04:00

This past weekend I went to a Folk Festival called Hillside. I had a blast, it was pure hippyville and I was in my glory. I went by myself but my friend was a vender so I ended up hanging out with her for most of the time. Which was great because I loved bragging to the people who came to look at her art about how great it was.

I arrived on the Saturday and was a little bit apprehensive about doing things on my own. It takes some nerve go it solo to large events. I was wondering how i would find my friend and as I was walking up I saw this guy who looked familiar, I looked at him and he looks back at me. I keep looking at him and he keeps looking at me. I wave and he greets me. This guy is a guy I knew in high school who I always thought was pretty dreamy except we didn't run in the same crowds so our paths never crossed ie: he was popular and I was not as popular. This guy and I start talking and catching up. I had found his resume randomly in my office the week before so I tell him about my discovery. I soon realize that I know the two other guys with him. So we all catch up and they ask me if I came alone. I explain to them that I'm meeting a friend but I'll probably be going to most of the shows alone. Duder then tells me where everything is and invites me to hang out with them. At this point we are near the swimming hole and they invite me for a swim I decline and say I haven't brought my suit with me. Dude pipes up with 'well we are free here, you can go in the buff', I counter with 'I'm not that free'. So I tell them I'm going to find my friend and then I'll meet up with them later. I grab the other dudes cell phone number and tell them I'll call them when I want to hang out with them.

Later that night I meet up with them at the bar tent area. This time 'Mr. Popular' from last week is with them. It turns out that he forgot to press enter on his cell phone after he got my number last week. The group decides that they want to go swimming and I am bumbed bacause once again cuz I don't have my suit. By this time it is mid evening and they decide that it is time to get liquored up since the main stage will be gearing up with its big show (Sarah Harmer.....who gets liquored up for Sarah?) I'm a little confused about why people choose to get drunk for a show they have spent good money on and then are not coherent enough to enjoy? Well back to swimming, after a series of detours and discussions the six of us get to the secret watering hole they have sought out. The three out of the four boys jump in and only one has an actual swim suite. The other female of the party goes and changes. Duder #2 sits on the picnic table while I wade in the shallow end. Duders in the water start taunting me to come in and I reply 'that I can't cuz I don't have a suit'. They then suggest I just go in my underwear and I refuse adamently, I tell them 'I'm a private person and I don't feel comfortable doing that'. Duder #2 decides that he will put his charm on and use the 'Ill do it if you do it'. Obviously he doesn't realize how stubborn I am. I never gave into peer pressure when I was in high school so why would I do so now. Anyway so eventually the drunk boys take their boxers off in the water and start doing dolphin dives 'I shout out that I am being scarred for life'. Eventually they start acting even more like the goofy guys they are by throwing algae at each other and pretending they are nintendo game characters. Ah boys....it doesn't matter whether they are 5 or 25 they still know how to goof around. I just laughed and laughed. They still persisting in taunting me to come in and I continue to respond with 'I want to but I can't'.

Afterwards I think Mr. Charm realizes they may have made me feel uncomfortable so he asks me if I didn't have a good time. I tell him that I did and that they had made me laugh and that I really needed that because I had been feeling stressed. Later he asks me if I drink or smoke or anything else. I don't say no because sometimes I do. I just tell him that I don't do it very often and that I wanted to spend my money that weekend on merch rather than on alcohol.

So the next day I told my friend about what had happened. I told her that they had probably given themselves away many times before and that is why being nude didn't mean much to them. It means something to me. She affirmed me in my analyses. Now all you readers can get mad at me but that is the way I feel. I think that the body is a sacred thing that needs to be kept sacred. Why throw everything you have away to a bunch of drunk former popular guys. I don't want them to see every part of me. Thats mine to give not theirs to take. It is a priveledge not a right.

Happy Day and.....THE MAN

2006-07-19T19:50:00.000-04:00

So I started my new job today and it was great! My Supervisor is really sweet and kind, I liker her a lot. I'm going to learn so much! I think I'm going to like the challenge of being the new CHILD AND YOUTH DIRECTOR of the YMCA!

Then at lunch I went to Zehrs and who walks up to me??? But none other than one of the most popular guys from my former high school. He then asks me out for coffee and gets my phone number!!!!!! We'll probably have nothing in common but hey a date is a date. We'll just see if he actually calls me. Cuz guys aren't very good at remembering to call me when they tell me they will.

So after work I go to my current place of employment and talk to my boss about my new place of employment and try to negotiate scheduling with her. She then tells me that she was going to have to lay me off next week anyway! So I'm free as a bird! It was totally a God thing.

Then later I exchange a pair of capri's I bought at West49 and the new ones I get end up being on sale! How cool is that! So I splurged and bought Relient K's latest CD. SSSSoooooo good! I haven't liked any of their stuff up until now, they have grown up I think.

So today was a happy day full of blessings!

No, I Don't Want To Dance With You

2006-07-08T00:19:00.000-04:00

If only I had the guts to say this to J
"No, I don't want to go Salsa dancing with you"

Dancing is like having a conversation with someone.
And salsa dancing is not the conversation I want to have with J!

Instead I suggested he go with his sister or his friend's sister. Urghhhh I wish he would stop asking me out! If only he were someone else...........and that is all I'm going to say for now!

A Scent I Need Bottled!

2006-06-30T22:05:00.000-04:00

The smell of orange blossoms! My store has dwarf orang trees on sale and they smell divine! They remind me of when I was in Cali and the orange & cherry trees were in blossom. Ooooh sooo good. You must take a wiff my friend! For a moment you'll think your in heaven!

Theology, Signs & Wonders, and Evangelism

2006-06-27T21:44:00.000-04:00

These are things I have been contemplating lately.
I have been contemplating whether their is one way of evangelism aka sharing Christ's story with others. Some people believe it is an emotional break through, others believe it is through philosophy and science, some believe in a ritualistic verbal confession and still others believe it is through signs and wonders. So confusing! Is their a right way or wrong way to tell the redemptive story of Christ sacrifice and mastry over death?(I tried to exclude Christianese words)

See I am beginning to believe that there is not a bad way. In fact with all of my schooling in post-modernism of how to relate to the post-modern culture it could be great but that doesn't mean that it is the only way of doing things. At the drop-in I work at I work with very modern thinking people and the kids love them! Want to know why!?! Because the workers show them Christ's love and acceptance! Yes, one particular worker is very old school in his continual 'gospel' message but the kids see his character....his sincere interest in them not his akward presentation of the gospel. As much as it frustrates me that he is stuck in his ways and is resistant to change I still go because of the love for the kids have. This is the common ground that I share with him. Love!.....besides I'm probably just as backwards as him at times.

Also mom and I have butted heads recently about a specific church in our town that is having a revival. Mom is very enamoured with the emotionalism and signs and wonders that happen at it. I on the other hand have been their done that and want to move onto something more itellectually stimulating. I want balance cuz I believe that God's power comes in miraculous ways but I want to know how to think! Why do I believe in what I believe in!?! We had the whole end times talk and I refuted it with the new broadcasting technology magnifying events. I then compared today to being any worse than turn of the century England, Rome, Sodom and Gomorah. Then I moved onto how time does not exist outside of God. Then I spoke about Lewis's conversion due to science's undeniable proof through creation.

Mom drives me bonkers sometimes! She is very passionate but gets as spiritual as a new ager when she starts talking about the end times and spirits of darkness.....yet God has used her! She is so kind and generous and despite her passion people have seen her compassion and she has led them into righteousness in their relationship with Christ. She is very thoughtful and kind. Almost too much sometimes.
Its cool how God can use us even though we are backwards and narrow minded at times. Despite how much we screw up and even screw up his representation he still chooses to use us. Even our misdirected good intentions that get misconstrude and may cause more damage than good.
Oh how we serve a gracious God!

Guilty Pleasures Revisited

2006-06-25T23:09:00.000-04:00

1. The Philosopher Kings
2. Whitney Houston (I wanna dance with someBODY, Yaahhhh I wanna dance with someBody.....with somebody tonight)
3. Straightening Iron

Kill the Canada Geese!!!!

2006-06-16T22:47:00.000-04:00

I ride my bike to work sometimes (this week everyday because the weather is glorious!) and on my way to work I ride through Sdot's wetlands. The wetlands use to be owned by ducks unlimited....crazy organization that had a conservation for ducks so that they could shoot them! Yah people are so wacky! 'Lets make a conservation so that we can shoot ducks'. They were never blatant about this fact of course.
So anyway the conservation area that I ride through has farm land on either side of it and a stream/large ditch and a couple ponds/something suspicious that I don't think is ponds (the other day something was splashing in the water, it looked like fish but how to fish get into ponds in the middle of nowhere?). Now from the simple mans view everything would look fine. In fact it would look picturesque, birds flock to this little sanctuary, their is a man made grove of trees with paths in it and the sun dances on the water like stars. Yet if one is to look closer they would see the tube that runs through the water that periodically belches a cloud into the water, the trees are planted in the grove in perfect lines, the two ponds are in perfect circular shapes. The grounds are littered with disgusting huge mounds of geese poop, the water ways are greenish brown from farm run-off and geese fieces.
It is a nesting ground for Canada geese. Again for the simple man this would be quite sweet to look at the little gosselings and coo and awww. In reality it is a disaster they are all just going to grow into little poop shooters that will polute our bodies of water. I look at the serene, languid, sophisticated blue herron who lazily lounges in the creek/ditch and think 'poor creature has to bathe in the poluted waterway that the mangy geese poop in' 'I feel sorry for the offspring he will help bear, will they be mutated because of the chemicals and toxins he bathes in?' 'Or will nature just continue to adapt to its surrounding.....it is amazing how nature continues to adapt to man's interference....this can be a good thing or a bad thing ie: Killer bees have adapted to Florida's climate....this means they will most likely migrate upwards'.
Anyway so back to the geese. When my parent's and I use to vacation in Virginia our trigger happy Virginian friends would complain how they hated the geese and wished that they could shoot them but because the geese are Canada's national bird they weren't aloud. One time when my uncle was younge and reckless he and his friends tried to catch a goose....this ended up in one of his buddies having two brocken ribs. One year when I was a younge adolescent our church went camping and the water at the camp ground was filled with goose fecies. We didn't find this out until one of the families who came up with us got rashes from the water. At first we only thought that the water was full of algie....think again....it was geese cacka!
So anyway I think that geese need to be turned into mantle ornaments. They are over populated and litter our grounds. Somewhere along the food chain they're predators got pushed out or over hunted. Now they litter our golf course and parks. When I ride my bike in the wet-lands I have to be careful or else shit will fly up off my tires or I'll run into some over protective geese that hiss at me. How annoying!
I should start a campaign called Kill the Canada Geese!
Ya, thats my rant on dirty geese.

What part of 'I'm busy' do you not understand?

2006-06-07T13:41:00.000-04:00

Okay so duder from work just isn't getting the picture that I don't want to hang out with him! Yesterday he found out I rode my bike to work and that we were both getting off at the same time so he decided we should ride home together. Ugggghhhh I didn't want to so finally I let some of my co-workers know my dilemma(sp?). I had been keeping this from them because I didn't want it to become a big issue but I was cornered and needed a way out. So one of my co-workers decided a good excuse to get out of it was to tell him I had to cover for her while she went on her dinner break.
5 o'clock comes around and he anxiously walks up to me and tells me its five. I reply back (not looking him in the face) "Oh I have to cover for Sierra until she gets back from her break" he says "How long is her break?" "Just until 5:30". He contemplates this for a moment and then responds in a disappointed voice "Oh thats 15 minutes" another slight pause and I say "ya its not that long, I'll see ya later though okay" he replys back dejectedly "alright see ya later". I avoided looking him in the face the whole time. I felt so bad for lying to him but I just don't want to hang out with him! I mean I know kids who are around his age that I use to baby-sit! Gah
I can totally tell when he is working up the nerve to talk to me at work because his mouth twitches every time I see him and he has this serious look on his face. I don't understand! How much more obvious do I have to be! Does he not get it that I just want to keep our friendship on a work friendship level? I mean what part of 'I'm busy' doesn't he understand? Do I have to say 'I'm washing my hair tonight' or "No I don't want to hang out with you because I went to school to learn how to minister to your age group".
I am flattered really I am but......you know.

I feel alone!

2006-05-26T23:18:00.000-04:00

Whats happened to me? I use to have so many friends and now.....I feel like I don't have any!
They all live far away or are wrapped up in they're own lives. I want to call people but I am always afraid they have already made plans and that they will tell me they are busy. I hate rejection!
I use to be so social and now I would rather stay home and watch a movie. Its partly that I don't have any money to go out. Or the wrong people ask me to hang out. Why can't I find people I really enjoy going out with? Why can't I live in Toronto? Why can't I have community again? Why can't I have those goofy guy friends who always made me laugh? Why God Why? I just want to belong and yet I know I am in the place you want me to be. You want me to hang onto you for my security. You want me to run to you.
God yes you are good but I need physical arms around me. I need a human voice to tell me I am loved. Not just anyone though, a dear kind and good friend. But where are they? London, Toronto, Kingston, Guelph, Out West, Sarnia, in a lovers bed, or out with a lover. Where am I? I am left behind writting to the air, flitting my time away on something two people will read. A cold sense of security.
Fuck You!
Yes I'm mad! I'm mad at you! I'm mad at the uncertantity you have given me. The life I lead is unfulfilling. I feel no purpose! I feel that people look down on me or is that my own projection and so what I project people begin to believe as well?
God fill me! Fill me again for I lack joy and love.
Come close to me and make yourself known to me. Gently breath on me "won't you come like the wind?"
I feel alone

An Attempt at Poetry

2006-05-25T21:40:00.000-04:00

So in high school I use to write poetry/spocken word. I really did not know how to write poetry because I found it difficult to stay within a rigid structure such as iambic pentameter. Some of my words rhymed and that is about as close to poetry as I got. My poetry was only ever written because I was depressed and was love struck with some guy. So I wrote some 'poetry' awhile back this past year and sadly the only difference is that I have less spelling errors. I have decided to air this poem on the world wide web because......I want to? I don't know why I am doing this I just want to throw myself out here to see if I have the guts to do it. Anyway here it goes....AAAaaaahhhhhhhhh

Nothing More
I wish I never met him
I hate him for being so great
How can someone show such an interest in another and then forget about them?

He had me before hello!
At first I was unimpressed and then I watched from afar and saw more
I was curious about who he was and where he came from, how he had gotten to the place I grew up in.

When I finally met 'Him' he exceeded even more of my expectations.
It was as though the things I had dreamed of in my head had come into human form
He brought me laughter and Joy

Yet I hesitated and held back
to keep my heart in tact
I knew he had given his heart away many times before and so I could mean nothing more than a fun chase and then nothing more

And now that is what it is........
Nothing more.

"That Guy"

2006-05-14T18:20:00.000-04:00

You know that guy who everyone just thinks is so great but no one is willing to date him because he is just such a 'great' guy? Well 'that guy' is in my life right now. He is a nice guy and he is fun but beyond that .....nothing!
I met him at the staff party at Christmas. Innitially their was some curiosity, I had seen his picture at work from the Summer before (he works Summers I worked Christmas) and I thought he looked like a cool guy and that it would be a cool to meet him someday. Then I saw him at the Christmas party and matched his face with the picture. Through a series of events we were introduced and we hung out for the rest of the party. Then he asked me to go out for coffee afterwards. That night we went out for coffee and walked by the Bay. I felt comfortable around him and he was fun. My ego was definetly boosted! I had been dealing with winter depression and a bad skin condition on my face.
Eventually the age question came around, I knew he was younger than me and was hoping that he would only be 21. I was thinking "Coooommmme OOOoooonnnn 21!" Well he had just turned 20 Aaaaahhhhh tooo younge! That is younger than my cousin Ryan!
The next day I started contemplating things a little deeper. The excitement of the date wore off and I realized that no I didn't want things to go any further. In fact he just kind of felt like a cousin to me, I felt as if I was hanging out with my cousin Ryan not someone I was romantically interested in.
Well two days later he called me up and invited me over for New Years in my head I was moaning NOOOOOooooo and out of my mouth came "ya sure". I went to the party and was the oldest one their. Everyone was giving him the wink wink nudge nudge. It was then that I realized he was 'that guy'. And I was the girl who had to tell him the 'I just want to be friends line'. I had a good time that night but by the time it was time for me to leave he was slightly enebreated. I gave him a hug good bye and he took the plunge and kissed me on the cheek. Inside I was moaning with agony at what was progressing. I liked the attention but knew if I did not end it soon I wasn't being fair to him or myself.
A couple days later he called me. I felt like crap that day and so I told him I would call him back. I got off the phone had some food and then called him back renewed by the food I had eaten so that I could think straight. I told him the story of seeing his picture and wanting to meet him and then being able to meet him in person. I told him how much fun I had had with him and how I felt like I could be a goof around him and not care. And then....I told him I didn't want things to go any further. He was cool with it we talked for another twenty minutes and then hung up.
He went back to school and we kept in touch while he was away. We hung out on March break one night which was a little awkward but we watched a super cool movie called "Murder Ball". It was about paraplegic athletes who play competitive indoor rugby. Tres cool a must see!
Anyway Spring is here and I am working back at the Garden centre. Dude is back from school and we work at the same work place. The first two weeks were awkward I tried to carry a conversation with him but it was hard. We really have nothing in common and he isn't the most engaging person to talk to. He does not challenge me intellectually or spiritually. I just don't feel a connection with him.
He has been calling me and I have been busy thankfully so I can't hang out with him. Everytime he calls to hang out I just moan with anxiety at having to turn him down. My dad thinks I'm so quirky for feeling this way. Yet, I know what I want when I want it and this is something I don't want. Ya, sure we can hang out but.... I have done that whole 'we're just hanging out' thing before and know that it progresses into more than just hanging out. Even if I set boundaries it is the intimacy of being with someone for prolonged amounts of time that promotes unwanted intimacy. I am female and do have the desire for romance. I can't exactly say that I would put on the brakes right away if he were to put the moves on me or that I would completly disallow a little sparks to fly. I want to protect myself and protect my younge friend.
Maybe I'm blowing this out of proportion but better to be safe than sorry. Right?!

Driving is a Privelege not a Right....so I learned

2006-05-05T17:38:00.000-04:00

yesterday. I was pulled over by a police officer after I didn't stop on a red turning right. Okay so this was the scenario. I was coming up to the intersection which is a highway/back road. I had a clear view of the intersection, so I could tell if traffic was coming on the left and whether I would have to stop or not. Well a school bus was turning right from the left onto the street I was on. A black car was behind it so I figured that I could make my right turn without slowing down because the black car would have to slow down for the turning bus. Well it did and then all of sudden it started to pick up spead and then......the lights came on! Not head lights but flashing lights. I hoped it was for the bus ahead of me but I quickly realized it was for me.
So I pulled over, the nice looking police officer came over and asked for my license. Luckily he left me with a warning! A well earned warning! I thanked him incessantly and then drove away relieved. At first I congratulated myself on putting on a remorseful face and voice but then I scolded myself for being so vain and silly. I reminded mysefl that it was by the grace of God that he didn't take the time to write out a ticket and take three points off. I should have known better! My mom has been warning me about my rolling stops and I finally got my slap on the wrist. Thank goodness I don't live in the states where the cops are brutal and easily go on power trips.

Celibacy Over Divorce

2006-04-30T13:10:00.000-04:00

Flash Backs

March 2006 at the YMCA Day Camp, the day before St. Patrick's Day

Me: I like your hair Jolene and Stuart (its green and spiked). Who did it?

Stu: My dad did. [Jolene lovingly latches onto her brother]

Me: It looks really cool! He did a good job!

Stu: My mom and dad are getting a divorce.

Me: (concerned voice) Oh I'm sorry Stu, when did you find out?

Stu: When they fighted.

Me: How does that make you feel?

Stu: It makes me feel bad.

Me: I'm sorry you have to go through this. Is their anyway that your dad and mom can work it out?

Stu: (Blank Stare) Dad has to go away for a week, he is going on a trip and said that he would bring us something back. His friend did our hair today.

Me: Oh. I'm sorry, I hope he brings you something cool back [Unsure of what else to say I walk away]

These two children are only 6 and 4! This means that only two or three years after their second child the parent decided to get a divorce! Who does that! I had watched that morning as their dad dropped them off and spent five minutes saying good-bye to them as though it would be his last time seeing them. These two children have cherub like faces and you would never suspect that such turmoil was happening in their life. I suspect that the father and mother grew apart and he found someone else.

Flash Back Feb. 2006 YMCA

Katherine: Guess what I'm doing this weekend Ms. Adrienne?

Me: What Kat?

Katherine: Me and my dad are going to watch two movies together and make popcorn. I don't get to see him very often because he is always with her mom (points to her step-sister).

Step-sister: Do I get to come?

Katherine: (bossy voice) No its just me and my dad this weekend!

Me: That sounds like fun Kat I hope that you have a fun time.

I didn't really like Kat at first because she was a know it all and tried my patience more than once. Now that I understand where she is coming from I realize that she probably has to fight to be noticed by her dad because he is busy with his job, new wife and demanding step child. I have tried to be more patient and attentive to Kat. I think my work has paid off because she is one of my favourite students now.

I was talking with some old friends of mine and they told me of a couple I knew of who after only two years of marraige divorced. Out of the six people in the room I was the only person who expressed sorrow at such a lost. My friend who has hardened herself through out the years due to many boyfriends stated "what? he's still hot he can still find someone". I quickly brough the subject back to the saddness that such a union lasted only two years....if that.

I have witnessed the heart break of some of my friend's marraiges and have come to the conclusion that I would rather be celibate for the rest of my life rather than go through divorce. Even if kids aren't involved I feel that divorce is like death. Two people were brought together to represent the masculine and feminine side of God. They were made one together. When that is gone the union is brocken and dies. How many times do we think of our married friends as one in the same? You can't really imagine them apart!?! Then when it happens their is so much brockeness! Lost.

I read an article a few months ago in a progressive Christian magazine I found at the Library that talked about the affects of divorce on children. Even if kids would rather their parents divorce because they want they're parents to stop fighting they still hang onto the hope of having their parents live in harmony together.

This is the way that God made us, to have a mother and father. Both are God like figures to us, without one or the other our lives are incomplete.

What happened to the sacredness of marraige? I think that romance has ruined it! Back in the old days people married for financial reasons not strictly love. Now their is no need for marraige to be based upon finance but on feelings? Where is the balance?

Last Words

Love takes work. To quote old school DC Talk 'Love is a verb'.

Memories of Cali

2006-04-16T00:42:00.000-04:00

1. Rustless cars because none of them were past 2000
2. Unless they were the pimped out cadies the Latinos cruised in.
3. Cafes on every corner, specifically Starbucks. Starbucks started on the West Coast in Seattle WA.
4. Organic candies in vending machines. No joke! Only in California!
5. Commercials to promote diabetes awaremeness caused by childhood obesity. Cute kids asking their parents 'can I have some sugar please' 'can I have some grease pllleeeaaase. I promise I'll be good!'
6. The VW billboard that said 'Fast as schnell" I don't get it? Schnell means fast in German. So the sign actually says fast as fast. Wierd
7. The most green and lush land I have ever seen in my life! The earth is deep brown and the hills are flourescent green!
8. Raw Vegan Food restaurant
My meal was
Marinara Pasta
Sun-dried tomato marinara sauce, bell peppers, onions, macadamia nut cheese and shitake mushrooms.
Desert
Key Lime Coconut Cream Pie
Avocado and lime filling topped with fresh whipped coconut cream.
9. Walking in the Redwoods! They are fire resistant and procreate from their trunks. So cool I love the smell of the trees. Sooo fresh and clean.

Letter to the Dead

2006-04-10T11:23:00.000-04:00

Dear Ross,
It has been 9 years since you have been gone but your memory still lives on in my mind. I miss you! Yesterday we celebrated my grandpa's 75th birthday, it was more of a good bye party because hes dieing. He has cancer. You will be seeing him in heaven soon. When he arrives you and uncle Al can play some pranks on people in heaven hee-hee. He is in really good spirits right now and I think that it is because he is looking forward to leaving earth. Its probably because important things are becoming more apparent to him now, he smiles and laughs more. He knows how to slow down and enjoy life.
Oh gosh I miss you. I was talking to your step dad and asking him how things were with him you know trying to make small talk asking all the right questions and probing my brain for the right questions to ask in order to avoid 'the' awkward silence. I almost asked him how you were doing and what you were doing now but stopped myself. Thank goodness I did! Can you imagine how awkward it would have been if I had asked that?!? No recovery could hide those questions. Now that I come to think of it, that is kind of a good thing because it just feels as though you are away not necessarily that you don't exist and in a sense that is true. You just went to heaven before any of us.
So I talked to your nephew Beck, man oh man has he grown up! He is 16! That was how old you were when you died! Scary eh! I found out that some of your other nephews are 18-19! I can't believe that! Sigh I am getting old even if I don't feel like it. Beck reminds me a little of you, he has the same sort of cockiness that you did when you were his age and he has that same sort of naivety that you had. His mom (your sister) is just as strict with her kids as your mom was. You would think that after her time of rebellion against your mom she wouldn't enforce the same guide lines with her kids. It doesn't help that she has home schooled all of them, they live in the middle of nowhere, the church they go to doesn't have a youth group and they aren't involved in any organized sports. At least you went to the Christian school and were involved with soccer. Speaking of which Beck said that he doesn't remeber you much except that you were an awsome soccer player. I agreed with him on this point even though I never saw you play. I'm still cursing myself for missing out on those two times that you asked me to come to your games. So sorry. Well Beck made that remark after I said to him 'this is the time when your uncle Ross and I would go off together and do our own thing'. I was referring to how boring the party was, cuz it was! Too many old people and too much small talk; 'so what are you doing now' 'are you in school' 'oh your not 18?' blah blah blah blah. Guuurrrrrrrr
Well I'm worried about Beck. You see he was trying to tell me about how he has gone to a bunch of youth conferences, so I asked him what ones he had gone to and well I don't think he has been to any 'youth' oriented conferences but he has been to conferences. He has also started being interested in girls, I think he has a a new appreciation for his appearance the word vanity comes to mind. Very much like you were! He is a cute boy, just lacking some social skills. He told me about how their is only one other girl at his church his age and his mom wants him to hook up with her except he isn't really interested in her. Later on I find out he is 'dating' a girl he sees once in awhile. She goes to a tight Baptist church in Toronto that they sing at once in awhile. I think that your sister is coming to the realization that her kids need to get out if they are ever going to find a life mate.
I am going to try and aid in his socialization as much as possible I told him I would find out some youth conferences that he could go to and trust me I am! I am going to also send him the latest Relient K ep. I figure he could stand to learn a little bit about what quality music sounds like. Don't worry it is the acoustic version of the songs so it won't shock him too much! Just like you educated me about listening to rock music that is creative rather than cookie cutter Newsboys and DCTalk I plan on doing the same. Only I'm going to have to start from ground zero because Beck has probably only really been introduced to the likes of Rebecca St. James and Chris Rice. Ughhhh so Dove label. I know Relient K is still pretty mainstream but they write their own stuff and it has some creativity. I don't think they were around when you were alive but I think you would have liked them. You liked punk music before it even became popular. The reason that I want to do this is because I don't think that his parents have allowed him to fully experience what good music sounds like. Beck is singing with his mom and siblings at different churches, which is really sweet but still he is 16 not 12! He actually wants to pursue a career as a musician but with the music they sing I don't think he will get far with. They are opening for some old guy from the Imperials next month so you can just imagine!
In a way he kind of reminds me of you and how you wanted to be a rock star. I remember how you said that when you made it big you wanted to have a show where during the intermission after growing your hair super long you would shave it all off.
*Random Tangent* Their mom has allowed them to watch the movie Napoleon Dynamite. This is a movie I think you would have really liked. Anyway I was quoting a bunch of lines from the movie with him. Good times! 'My lips hurt real bad' 'lucky!' 'Tina you fat lard!' Ah so funny! You have to see the movie to fully appreciate the lines I guess. It is in the assonance(sp?) of how Napoleon says them.
Well Ross I wish you were here, I think we would have stayed in touch. We could have gone to concerts together dated each others friends but God had other plans. He wanted you home with Him. Just to let you know I look for guys who have similiar character traits as you: confident, funny, play the guitar, make me laugh, adventurous, crafty(as in sneaky), some what athletic, creative, goofy, good looking, skate-board, intellectual. They may not have all of these traits but they usually have some of them, most of all I look for the humour aspect.
Maybe God will allow you to see this post from heaven. That would be cool eh!
Well my friend and cousin I will see you LATER!
Love Adrienne
PS I heard about the prank you played on the guy from school up in Brockville. I can't believe you put Tabasco in his eyes while he was sleeping! Your mom said that you didn't mind digging the ditch as a punishment because it was right by the soccer field so then you could watch soccer at the same time. Silly boy!

None Linear Thinking

2006-04-08T21:49:00.000-04:00

So I have watched a couple of movies this week that got me thinking.....I know I know I watch too many movies....and I do but I love them. They help me escape and I genuinly appreciate the work that goes into acting, directing and producing a piece of work. I'm the type of person to watch all the extras on a DVD to see how a movie is made and to see the actors outside of their characters.
Okay so the first movie that got me thinking was the newest Harry Potter movie, my dad rented it and mom and I came home half way through it. Mom of course freaked out but I was intrigued I have read two of the books (strange but cool music is playing right now Bright, Bells Break their Towers, Album It's what I Need...need to look into them...).....where was I....right so I have read two of the books in the series but stopped because I got too scared. I have mixed feeling because my aunt and uncle were at one time okay with reading them but then they had some sort of spooky situation happen in their house where they thought that entertaining the books within the house caused it so they burned them. Afterwards all was well. Yet I have other Christian friends who argue that the books are fine. These friends have never had any spooky things happen to themselves because of the books.
So anyway as I was watching the movie I began analyzing it and then I just gave up. I gave up because some things you just can't analyze their is no logical sense to them. Spirits and magic are real things yet christianity is seems chooses to play it safe and not talk about them. Which I
can understand because often by talking about them you can stop focusing on the things that are important ie: knowing God and being known by him, learning about what love really is. The other things distract us from what is really of value. We humans do not understand the spiritual realm other than that it does battle for our souls (read Lewis's book Screwtap Letters). At the same time we as humans do have free will but also we have a predisposition towards certain behaviour. Ahhhh so confused thoughts are jumbled!
People are sick of one line of thought, that everything can be explained through the psycological. They can't and that is why I understand the craze of Harry Potter. HP explores the spiritual and the unexplainable. It shows some sense of reality very well, demon posession, the human spirit and its connectedness with others. It shows the sensing feeling people of this world (more on this later). Mom told me later on about how we are to have nothing to do with witch craft and that God hates witch craft. I agree witch craft does some crazy stuff but at the same time what was defined as witch craft in the Bible?
Okay so the next movie I watched I totally loved! I know that you will laugh but it was "A Lot Like Heaven" with two of my fav actors Reese Witherspoon and Mark Ruffalo sigh he is so dreamy tee-hee. Gotta love those brown eyes, just want to squeeze those dimples (no not his ass!). Anyway Reese Witherspoon plays the spirit of this girl in a comma (rad electronica just came on and I had to get my groove on The Juan McLean...) who's San Francesico apt is rented out to a lonesome widower. To make a long story short or short story turned long short.....you get my drift Mark Ruffalo's character must come to grips with the fact that she and him are meant to be and he is what is suppose to help her come out of her coma so that she can be reconnected with her body. Ya ya ya they fall in love and live happily ever after.
The movie made think about how exactly are spirit and our body are inter-connected? I really do think that this topic is not brough up enough, I truly do believe people can have out of body experiences. I am very much a sensing feeling type of person I sense things sometimes I'm wrong and sometimes I'm right.
Well enough of my babbling what are your thoughts and please don't try and argue for or against Harry Potter because that wasn't what this post was about.

California and other things

2006-03-31T22:53:00.000-05:00

Update
Tuesday mom and I met up with her friend Vikki who was at the conference with her husband. We went to the San Jose textile museum and the SJ museum of modern art. Both very inspiring and facinating places. At first I didn't really want to go to the textile museum because I thought that it would be boring, I thought we would learn about how flax and wool were produced. Not that that isn't interesting but it isn't facinating....do you understand? Anyway it was as I said before very facinating. The Artist on display was a California artist by the name of Jean Ray Laury, she is a spunky women who has been making amazing quilts for years that pioneer women's right. She is def a feminist! Her spunk and creatively were made apparent in her work. After my tour of her amazing works of art I looked in the gift shop to see if I could find anything to bring home to show you (my friends) but the photo's of her work were of poor quality and just didn't do justice to her pieces. I found a photo of her in one of the books, she (lol) is this cute trendy old lady with mamoth red rimmed glasses with a cherry shaped mouth. As I was looking through her book this women of the same features walked directly through the door, it was a very surreal experience! It was her! So I went and said hello and told her of my appreciation of her work. She was just as sweet as her picture depicted of her in the book I perused.
So then we moved onto the SJ museum of modern art. Tres cool! They were displaying a private collection of Chicano artists. These are artists who are activists for the rights of American Mexicans, so I recieved a history lesson with my viewing. The upper half housed ceramic scultures and multi media images. I liked it a lot very experimental images.
Wednesday
I had the day to myself. I welcome relief! Dad gave me the car and I went to the huge mall up the road. I really didn't want to road trip on my own for fear of getting lost by myself in a foriegn land. I panic when I get lost. Anyway so I went to the mall and was sickened by the sense of materialism within. I really don't like malls anymore, God is taking me to a new level of simpler living. I'm begining to really be content with what I have already and to desire only what I need. I think being broke has helped me to understand how to not spend. While I was at the mall I was assaulted by the innocent intentions of two younge sales men trying to do their job and make a commision. I blushed and giggled with embarassment as they petted my ego and tried to cop a feel at my wallet. Afterwards I came away with the feeling of being robbed of my dignity and the air being too thick for me to breath into my lungs. The world was spinning from these two forward gentlemen who used charm and fast one liners to lure me to buy some of their products. Urgghhhh I have such a bad taste in my mouth still thinking of it.
To rid myself of these experiences I went and had lunch at whole foods, their I was surrounded by eco friendly goods and envrio concience college students for clerks. After lunch I then went to Barnes and Nobles and lost myself within a book I did not buy.
Yesterday (Thursday) mom and I went to Carmel. This was a good and bad experience. Everything started off okay but then soon escalated out of hand. Urgghhhh I hate remembering but want to tell it. So in the car I began to get very lethargic and tired. I really had no desire to go to Carmel. Carmel is a very wealthy town filled with beach side houses that are quaint but elaboratly designed to out do their neighbours (I before e except after c or as in neighbour and weigh?). So needless to say I felt out of my element and out of place. Mom was sooo excited to be their and in her excitment her voice became even higher than it usually is and her chatter increased even more. I began to get agitated and started using my 'don't bug me' tone of voice. She became irritated with me because of my lack of enthusiasm and began to get even shriller in her tones, and was calling attention to us even more. This increased my agitation more because I was trying to appear as inconspicuous as possible. I was getting bossy and mom was getting hurt by my curt answers. Well things erupted in a photo shop over buying fuji film.
This ended in mom and I confronting each other on a street corner. Mom told me to sit down for fifteen minutes and pray. This agitated me more....but I did it knowing I needed a breather from her. I then felt this cloud around me slowly lift, the migraine I had went away as well. I realized how big of a bitch I was being and felt shame and remorse. I really felt like some sort of opressive spirit had settle on me. Mom came back and I apologized, I explained how I didn't like the materialism of Carmel and that I felt awkward in the town. We made up and the day went much smoother. I really felt like that encounter is the begining of something new for me. Oh God help me to be more sensitive to my mother and to express my feeling better rather than lashing out.
Today (Friday) we went up along the coast to Big Sur we had half a day of sunshine and half a day of rain. We saw some great ocean scenes and some decent sized Red Woods, we returned back to Carmel briefly and showed dad around. Nothing too eventful other than I had the best burito in my life outside of Pfieffer national park.

I need more sunshine!

2006-03-29T22:06:00.000-05:00

Please pray that I get more sunshine! Yesterday was rainy and today gave us partial sun.

Thought for the Day (or my life)

2006-03-27T23:49:00.000-05:00

Skinny doesn't = Pretty
I have been eating way too much! My metabolism has definetly slowed down since I was a kid and use to go on vacation with my parents. I remember being able to eat so much more and not having to worry about adding weight to my love handles!
Sigh women and their relationship with food, something I want to research someday.
Anyway onto more interesting things. Yesterday my parents and I went to San Fran, sooooo beautiful and cool. God gave us a beautiful day of sunshine with a cool breeze, it was suppose to shower but never did. We saw some magnificent sights and sounds. SF is an amazing architectural feat! The way things are built on steep hills boggles the mind! Parking is crazy! Everythings is compacted together and their is no grass anywhere. I loved the designs of the building very Greco Victorian, you have this feeling of being in France (although I have never been in France except from what I have seen in movies). The city is sooo clean! Definetly a romantic place, I love it! I'm a little bumed thought because although we did see all the touristy sights I really want to see all the quaint little boutiques I have heard about.
Things I have noticed about the area is that their are a lot of hispanic and asian. I expected the latinos but foregot about the asians. The asian population is not like the asian population in Toronto that I am use to, they aren't FOBs but very Americanized. I guess during the gold rush a lot of them settled here either that or the American melting pot forces them to conform. Also sometimes I am confused by the ethnic origins of some of them because the Asians and Latinos integrate themselves together so you have malatos. I love watching people especially within such an ethnically diverse state.
Today mom and I went to Whole Foods, lots of fun! I love that store. Wall to wall with organic goods and food. It was a dream come true. I bought some products I can't find in Sarnia. Mom and I bought lunch from the eatery. It was very good to eat a decent salad and fruit again. I immediatly felt energized, my body needed the nutrients it got from the plants.
Then we went to Santa Cruz and went to UCLA's Agroecology campus where they have their own organic farm. Unfortunately it was raining pretty hard and it is their off season so we really didn't see much. We then decided to take the scenic way home. We stopped off at a Patagonia clothing store and looked at their outdoor clothing. They recycle synthetic fibers to make new clothing as well as use organic cotton and hemp. Very 'rightous rags'! I splurged and bought myself a purple hoody, it was on sale and too hard to give up. Well our scenic route was way too scenic we ended up going through the moutains and what should have taken us 1/2 hours the one way took us 2 hours, it was a lovely drive through beautiful trees but we didn't think it would take us so long. My nerves were shot at the end of the drive because we kind of knew where we were going but didn't really know. I hate that feeling!
Anyway I'll tell you more later okay.

I'm in LOVE...

2006-03-25T14:56:00.000-05:00

with California! I am walking the streets of San Jose and it is beautiful! Yet at the same time it is one of those moutain top experiences where it isn't that great because I have no one to share it with. I keep telling myself to get over it but I can't! Why can't I be one of those only children who enjoys going on vacation with their parents. I must seem like such a spoiled brat! But I want someone ot experience these beutiful things with me!
We are in silicon valley, it is a beutiful bowl surrounded by lush mountains and sunshine. Today we'll go to San Fran and site see down by the wharf.
The air is so light and warm I want to live here forever!
Oh goodness why can't someone be here with me!

Questioning Myself and My Random Thoughts on HIV Chimps

2006-03-19T13:58:00.000-05:00

So I have been analyzing myself a lot lately and these are three questions I have been contemplating.
1. Am I immature for my age? I feel like I am being left behind in some aspects, my other friends seem to be moving ahead in life and I feel like I'm not.
2. Am I afraid of commitment? Do I shy away from relationships because I don't want to commit? Am I scared of committing to one job or guy?
3. Why am I such a bitch sometimes? I find myself being super critical and impatient with others.

Okay on a completly different subject my thoughs on HIV chimps. For awhile now I have theorized that HIV and AIDS is a mutated viruses that happened because of sexual immorality ie: Gods punishment. Not to say that everyone who contracts these viruses is sexually immoral but that the spread of them increases ten fold as a consequence of sexual immorality. My theory is (or was) that these viruses could have started as a simple infection being spread through sexual encounters. Through the years and centuries these viruses became very resilent and eventually grew into these deadly viruses that have no cure.
Although recently my theory has been challenged by an article that I read in a health magazine. In Montreal their is a sanctuary for HIV infected chimps these chimp were rescued from a laboratory that obviously purposefully infected them with the cruel virus. The chimps were neglected in the laboratory and signs of abuse were evident by the horrible state that the animals were found to be in. In the article it stated that after being put in the sactuary and undergoing therapy the chimps are no longer infected with the virus. Which makes me wonder if the virus can be healed through genuine care from people rather than drugs and isolation?

Please be advised that I am not trained in medicine nor do I claim to be a scientist, these are only my incoherent ramblings and can probably be easily refuted!

Laughing at Myself

2006-03-11T14:22:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I just gotta laugh at myself cuz I am such a crazy person.
So last night I was at the Annex, I brought my skate-board(brand new from Christmas) and took it out for the first time. I got the roller-blader boys to teach me how to ride it. It seems that I ride my board 'goofy', this term means I ride it the opposite way that I am suppose to. I face left rather than right. I put the board down and asked Jack how to get on it. Jack says 'just get on and that is how you get on', so I do and he starts laughing! And says 'you ride it goofy!' Ah well!
So anyway they teach me how to ride it and in the process show me all the tricks they can do on my board. Then some of the other volunteers show up later. One of them is my work friend Dar. The same Dar who I had the bubble wrap encounter with at work and various other embarassing moments. See these encounters would not be embarassing for me if I wasn't attracted to him. Thus because I am attracted to him these awkward moments are made into embarassing moments. However I have pretty much gotten passed that awkward stage and now we are 'pals'. So anyway I was so excited to show off my mad rolling skills on my skate-board that I shout out to him 'hey Dar watch me' and as I am rolling toward him I totally wipe out and land on my side. LOL it was so funny! He is such a sweet boy he gets all concerned and asks if I am okay. I am laughing histarically(sp) because I am realizing how funny I must have looked! Dar proceeds to pick me up and jerks me up right so fast that I am swept off the ground(no really I was). Oh am such a geek, I love that I can laugh at myself, it keeps me younge.
Hey have you guys ever googled yourself? I do it all the time! I never find myself though I just find my cloned name. My other namesake is a nurse in Florida. Today I tried googleing my name again and I found 'me', I my resume that i posted came up! Cool eh! Now to get my blog to be popular enough so that I can be found on the blogspot search. Ah yes I set my goals high don't I! Hee-hee

Guilty Pleasures

2006-03-10T18:28:00.000-05:00

1. Kelly Clarkson
2. Steven Curtis Chapman

Don't judge me! I like em!

What's Currently in my CD Player

2006-03-01T18:31:00.000-05:00

Amberlin's Never Take Friendship Personal
Such a good CD, why didn't I decide I liked this band sooner! At first I didn't like Stephen Christian's voice but now I love it! Their is something soooo haunting and soulful about it. Their are times when I feel like he is singing directly to me! Ya, I'm such a sucker for a guy with a nice voice (tee-hee). I wish now that i had seen them play at Cornerstone. Ah, well. Although, I did see Stephen Christian's impromtu solo performance at C-stone. I didn't even know who he was and I was only one of six standing around.
Anyway the title of the CD has gotten me thinking a little bit; 'Never Take Friendship Personal'. At first I thought that it could mean don't go beyond the confines of friendship with one of your best guy or girl friends....but then I have been listening to the CD more and I think it means to do the opposite. Rather the title means don't worry about going beyond those lines, you may regret that you didn't. Dude I so know what that is like. I have always been the best girl pal to my guy friends and then one of my guy pals would get a gf and I would think 'wait I am interested in you'. Ah yes I am one of those competitive girls who likes the chase. One of my character flaws in life. Haha this is the first time I think that I have gotten personal about my encounters with the opposite sex on this blog.
So their is this song on the CD that I feel speaks directly to me, it is called 'A Day Late'. Here are the lyrics.

A Day Late

So let me get this straight
You say now you've loved me all along
What made you hesitate
to tell me with words what you really feel?
I can see it in your eyes
You mean all of what you say
I remember so long ago, see I felt the same way
Now we both have seperate lives and lovers
Insignificantly enough
we both have significant others
Only time will tell
We are who we were when
Could have been lovers
but at least you're still my day late friend
We are who, we are who we were when
Who knew what we knew now
Could have been more
but at least your still my day late friend
We are who, we are who we were when
but thoughts they change
and times they rearrange
I don't know who you are anymore
Loves come and go now and this I know
I'm not who you recall anymore
But I must confess
you're so much more than I remember
Can't help but entertain
these thoughts of us together
So let me get this straight
All these years
and you were nowhere to be found
And now you want me for you own
But you're a day late
and my love, she's still renowned

Sometimes I wonder why I missed the boat on dating? Was it because I wouldn't take a chanc? Or God knew I couldn't take the heart break? Or I just needed to learn how to have a love relationship with God?( don't date until your ready to mate)
It seems like Stephen Christian has had his ups and downs with dating. I remember his last words to the audience (of six) at C-stone were (as he looked directly at me) [insert bitter tone] "girls don't date rock stars they'll only break your heart." I was indignant at first when I heard this because i was thinking that he probably thought that I was some sixteen year old aw struck groupie ( I was 23 at the time but you all know how younge I look)...but now i have come to realize that a musicians other lover is their music. I don't think that I want to share my man with a second lover. Unless they are in love with God!(that sounds so cheese!) It seemed to me as though his words were spocken out of regret, like he had hurt some innocent girl and hated himself for it.
And so I end my rant on missed loves and sadly my missed loves to come.

Evil

2006-03-01T11:20:00.000-05:00

"Evil is the absence of empathy"
Nurremburg trials
Notice how it isn't the absence of love but the absence of empathy. The Nazi germans were capable of loving their families yet lacked any kind of empathy for those outside of their social sphere.
Nurremburg was an incredible movie, a must see for all. It has inspired me to sit down with my grandma and have her tell me all that she experienced and witnessed during the war. One of her sisters was a Hitler youth and the other was part of the resistance. These two sisters shared the same bed at night! Crazy!

New Revelation from Valentines Day

2006-02-26T11:51:00.000-05:00

Please excuse the poor use of past and present tenses, I get really confused sometimes about how some things should be said.
Yes Valentines Day is past now but I was thinking a little more about it. Before I talk about my revelation from Valentines Day I want to tell you about a story one of my friends who is also in youth ministry told me, this is a story/parable that he shared with me from his life. It wasn't related to Valentines Day but it is related to what I will get into later.
Anyway my friend told me story about how he had done a number of speaking engagements one month and just needed some time out to go on a bike ride with God to refuel. So he had set everything aside so that he could have some God time, and he was really pumped to just get on his bike and go. Well on his bike ride one of the youth that he mentors is on a bike ride too and buddies up with my friend. My friend began to get flustered because he couldn't shake the kid off. My friend really wanted to have some 'God time' and felt like this kid was infringing on it. They end up spending the day together and during their time together they visit an old gothic style church and tour around town.
The day ends and my friend returns home bumbed that he wasn't able to get in his 'God time'. It is then that he has this revelation, God reminds him of the verse in the Bible where it says; 'Truly I tell you, just as you did it to one of the least of these who are members of my family, you did it to me.' Matthew 25:35, 37, 40. My friend shared with me that it was then that he came to the realization that spending time with that boy was spending time with God.
So I was thinking about Valentines Day and how I had had those two teenage girls over from the Annex. At the time I was really dry spiritually and needed to have some 'God time', yet I hadn't really had a lot of time to get out and walk or I just didn't feel like reading my Bible or praying. Yet, it was during my time with these girls that I really felt like God was in our midst, that he was with us. I couldn't really explain why because I didn't do anything super spirit filled!?! I have come to realize now that God was indeed their! I remembered my friend's story and came to the realization that I was serving Him just by spending time with these girls. Making them feel special and loved. Oh man God is incredible!

How to post pictures and redesign my background to something original?

2006-02-17T23:46:00.000-05:00

So, yes I tried following the directions of how to d/l the software to post pictures. I did everything correctly but I still can't figure out how to access the software to post them. Frankly I probably didn't even need the software and have now cluttered my dad's comp even more. Also I want to redesign the background on here, can anyone help me? I feel so computer illiterate! I want to be able to do this but can't for lack of knowledge or ability....but I am open and willing to learn! Pleas help me!
PS If you are someone who happens to read my blog but don't really know me feel free to post at any time. Oh man I feel really odd saying that cuz probably no one really looks on here other than, Ron, Esther, Mike, Johanna and sometimes Tiana. Not that they aren't important cuz they are very important, can someone give me a shovel to dig this hole even deeper.....

Valentines Day is great!

2006-02-15T00:24:00.000-05:00

So I'm really awake right now and feeling the itch to blog again. Tonight I had two girls from the Annex (drop-in) over for a little Valentine celebration. I picked up the first girl and we talked a little bit about what was 'new' with me, I told her about how I had applied to Covenant House in Toronto to be an outreach worker. She got this worried look on her face and said 'you can't leave', and I mumbled something about how I needed to find work so that I could make a living. She then told me "I was the reason she came to the Annex. If I wasn't their she didn't even stay". Wow! Who knew!?! Oh man that makes me feel good! Sometimes I don't understand why people love me?
At the end of the night I dropped her off at her house and her mother invited me in. It was late but I knew that her mother wanted to meet me. I have spoken to her mother on the phone before and she is great to talk to! Her and her mother come from Croatia, so her mom has this thick accent. I love it! I know she must find it lonely living in Sarnia with no connections, except for the people she goes to college with and any contact she keeps with those from her native country. I could kind of tell also by the fact that she talked my ear off on the phone the one time I talked to her. She is such a sweet women, very witty and well informed about what goes on in the world. As I sat and talked with her she began talking about different countries she had been to and what her homeland is like. I got all these pictures in my head of what things must look like, the rolling hills, the Adriatic sea and I began to get the itch to travel again! I so want to just find someone to back pack with and go traveling (ahhh I'm listening to some techno off of msn radio and it reminds me of my trip to England). Anyway just before I left their house the girl's mother sent me out with a loaf of fresh baked bread as a thank you for taking care of her little girl. Such a sweet gesture! They don't have much but she gave me what they could. I love fresh baked bread!
I know that some day I will travel, I don't know when or how but it will happen. God has confirmed it with me and something happened at Christmas that was a confirmation. Every year my mom's side of the family draws names fora gift exchange, this year my uncle Carsten and I had each others name. The following was the accompanying card to my gift from him:

A Joyous Christmas Adrienne,
From Germany, a designer gift that is all the rage with the 20's something's in Winnipeg! [my uncle lives in Manitoba]
But that's not why or how it came to be that I am sending this gift to you. I have your name and so I prayed and asked the Holy Spirit to take what I know about you and lead me because I don't know everything about you. I was hoping to find a gift you could enjoy for a life time. In one of those spur of the moment type curiosity decisions, I believe the HS led me into a store I had never been into before and within a few minutes I had this gift in my hand talking to an attractive 21 year old blond female clerk ( I thought she could help since my niece is a similiar type - and she did indeed!). What I was holding in my hand was arty, beautiful, practicul, smooth, clever, unique (because it is under patent and copyrighted a highly protected limited quantity production); pretty to display, fun, can be an heirloom; and has the added benefit of being a healthy travel item (when used you can avoid diseases by contamination).
Your gift is a set of personal ice cubes. Put them in the freezer and voila[he spelt this wrong 'viola']!
All the best : Uncle Carsten

Well because my uncle lives in Manitoba he wasn't at the family get together to see me open it. As I was opening the gift I was kind of cringeing at the prospect of opening a set of 'ice cubes'! How was I going to give the proper reaction to the rest of the family without looking ungrateful? Mom has plastic liquid filled ice-cubes that I could easily take with me when I travel and I find them rather ugly. So I unwrapped the sharply wrapped rectangle. As I peeled the paper back I was confronted by six brightly coloured glass cubes suspended in a piece of gray foam. These cubes are gorgeous, they are transparent glass with brightly coloured liquid inside! Very classy, arty and schiek! I let out a sigh of relief of not recieving a crappy gift. I then stated the worries I had to my relatives and they confirmed with me that they had the same worries as well. Although I stated that I didn't know when I would ever be able to travel. My younger cousin Brittany then piped up that as soon as she is done university her and I could travel together. This is something I am going to hold her to, I think that she would be a great traveling partner! Oooh I love her so dearly! As jelous as i can be of her sometimes because of her beauty and school smarts, she is the closests thing I have to a sister. She is my mom's twin's daughter. Anyway enough for now.

Curious George and Evolution

2006-02-08T13:56:00.000-05:00

Way back in 2000 I bought myself a Curious George journal. I thought I was being orignal at the time because Curious George had kind of gone out of style and instead of fixating on Winnie the Pooh, Mickey Mouse or Hello Kitty I chose the less common. I really liked his cute little face and the happy yellow background that was used on every page. I still do but have grown up a little more since then.
As I began writting in my journal I started thinking about CG's chararcter traits, how he lived with the man in the yellow hat and all of the little adventures that CG went on. He took on the mannerisms and characteristics of a child. I began to think that maybe CG was meant to be a children's primer for the theory of evolution. A sly decoy to infiltrate children's brains towards one way of thought. I had forgotten this random thought until recently when I learned of the new resurgance of the CG movie that is coming out soon.
I did a little bit of research on CG and it turns out that he was created in 1940 Germany. I have been to Germany and have relatives from Germany. My experiences have shown that it is a non-religious country. I have also read books on how the Nazi's controlled religion and that makes me think about how anti-God that country is, it would stand to reason that CG would have been created in Deutchland.
I read a quote from the author and creator of CG and she said;
"He became very much a figure of his own. He knew what he could do and couldn't do. He became a person," Margret Rey said.
What rings out to me from this quote is 'he became a person'. I think that is true! He took on more than a monkey's antics but more of a child's curiosity. So I rest my case that Curious George is a model for evolution.
Yes I know, I have too much time on my hands and I am probably going a little over board.

One of my last posts

2006-01-23T11:37:00.000-05:00

I recently rented the period film 'Room with a View' for my mom because she was sick. We watched some of the special features at the end of the film and their was an interview with a Cambridge professor who knew the writer EM Forster. EM Forster only wrote a few books in his life time but each one of them gained critical acclaim. The interviewer asked the Cambridge professor why he thought that Forster only wrote a few books? The prof responded with something along the lines of ;
'Writers write because they are unhappy with their life. When they aren't writting they are happy."
I think that this was a blanket statement but I think that their is some merit to it. For me I think it is true. I only ever write in my journal or in my blog when I am unhappy. Good news is too exciting to sit down and write about. Bad news is much easier. And so I am slowly bringing this blog to an end. It served its purpose in my life for a time, a time when I wanted someone to talk to but didn't have them around to speak with. A time when I was a little depressed and lonely. A time when I felt like no one was interested enough to share or understand my thoughts wtih.
Now I feel like some light is shining into my life, I am slowly coming out of my fog. God is renewing me and re-directing me. It feels good and He is good to me.

Conflicted! Was this and is this a youth ministry boo-boo?

2005-12-30T17:36:00.000-05:00

A month and half ago I took some girls from the Annex (youth drop-in) to a concert in London. It was held at the John Labatt Centre. We got lost for only seven minutes! I made sure I left myself time to get lost because I knew that I probably would. The bands I took them to see were Thrice and My Chemical Romance. Another no name band played as well but they weren't very good. I have connected with these three girls from the Annex really well. We share the same sort of taste in music and we like Art as well. So one time I had mentioned to them that it would be fun if we could all go to a concert together. Later on I realized I should probably follow through with my promise. I'm sure that other people have made promises to them before without ever following through and I didn't want to be lumped in with those people.The night started off well with dinner at a cool diner style place and I took some funky shots with my camera of us all acting like idiots. Afterwards we headed over to the JLC, one of the girls and I bought some merch while the other two found our seats. After Natalie and I bought our goods we went to look for the other girls. We had a bit of a hard time finding our seats but we finally found them except the other two girls were nowhere in sight!?! We were sitting their for awhile and then this guy and his girlfriend sat down in two of our seats! I asked him his ticket number and he showed me his, he had the same seats as us?!? I showed him my ticket number and he said that I was in the wrong section. Ah ha we felt like idiots so we moved again with the same sort of results and then we finally asked someone to help us find our seats.Finally we got situated in our seats and tell the other girls our story. We had a good laugh at ourselves. Thrice starts playing and they were amazing! Their were songs where I got chills! Thrice has some beautiful compositions! A lot of people enjoyed their performance, heads were rocking and feet were tapping. So I started praying that they would get more acclaim for their performance than MCR, that the sound guy would make them sound good (instead of the typical 'lets make the first band sound crappy so the headliner sounds better') and I prayed that God would annoint their music.When I booked the tickets I thought that MCR would be an okay band to see because they don't have a lot of sexual content or swearing. Their music is depressing but decent and I couldn't find a whole lot of decent Christian bands that were touring at this time of year. MCR begins playing and every other word that comes out of the lead singers mouth is the F word. He yells at the kids to "fucken get jumping", he does this repeatedly, my girls starting jumping with glee. I start getting uncomfortable because I hate it when people tell me what to do and to top it all off he was telling us to 'fucken' do it. Even in church when the pastor says things like 'turn to your neighbor and tell them that God loves them' I don't like doing it because I'm not a robot, I think for myself! And to have someone talk down to me makes me even more pissed! Yet, every young person in the auditorium was joyfully obeying and it bothered me. It bothered me because they just lapped it all up. I thought to myself 'this is a generation who is use to being treated like garbage even by their idols and it is no wonder they think so lowly of themselves.'I began taking in the whole scene. The stage consisted of two screens on either side of the stage in the shapes of stain glass windows, images of stain glass windows from churches were being flashed on the screens. Some of the images even had Christ in them! I watched the kids dance with glee as they were sung words of depression over them, words that said straight out 'we sing the songs that you slit your wrists to'. Parents were encouraging their kids to jump around to the music as the lead singer asked 'all you mfo get your fingers up in the are' (he wasn't pointing to heaven either). In a way it was a church experience, the band was preaching death over it's congregation and their followers were innocently eating it up like puppy's eating out of the trash can. Dynamic performers who knew how to sugar coat their message with catchy beats and great stage presence. I know I may be over dramatizing and showing a little bit of the sheltered life I have lived.We left early and in the car I asked the girls to compare and contrast the bands. The girls talked a lot about stage presence and how MCR was really upbeat and Thrice wasn't so much. Then Dinah piped up about how Thrice was more spiritual and how she kind of got chills from the music when she listened to them. They then asked me my opininon and I said something along the lines of MCR are good performers, but not so great musicians (that is my honest opinion). I said that Thrice has really good musical compostion. Then I totally chickened out and didn't say anything about how negative MCR is and how positive Thrice is. I could have totally talked about music and the power it has over us and why I initially chose the concert. The girls love me though! They had a really great time, I was able to show Christ's love by loving on them and taking them to the concert.I'm thinking of asking them if they will take me to Catholic mass sometime and then maybe deberiefing with them again over coffee about the concert. They go to a catholic school and I have never participated in mass so I thought it might be a cool idea for them to take me and do something a little more spiritual. I dunno I'm trying to brain storm ways to bring in spiritual aspects to the relationships I have made at the drop-in I volunteer at. Anythoughts from you guys are welcome, lets just make any criticism or comments politely worded. I don't want to debate I just want feed back and your opinions.

It's coffee not marraige

2005-12-29T18:24:00.000-05:00

No worries

'I'm Back in the Game!'

2005-12-28T20:40:00.000-05:00

You can take that however you want! It is a quote from a teen cult movie involving the kid from the wierd tve show Third Rock from the Sun.

I need to vent!

2005-12-25T20:33:00.000-05:00

I feel like the world is falling down all around me for no apparent reason. Yes I think it is because of my lack of sleep but I just feel so emotional all the time! I hate it! Today I felt like crap! Even though I went to bed at 1 and got up at 10 I was exhausted within an hour of being awake. My body felt like a truck had run over it, I wish I could be like everyone else and have eternal energy. I hate that even though I don't really have any major stressors in my life yet when i get stressed my body just totally shuts down. Urggghhhhh! Normally I would be writting this in my personal journal but since I am in London and my journal is at home in Sarnia I can't, so deal with it!
So I want to tell you guys about some minor disagreement I had with one of my more....hmmm how should I say this......really fanatical......no...... really enthusiastic.....wait okay I know 'over the top' super evangelical/charismatic aunts. Don't get me wrong I'm evangelical and charismatic just not OTT. Anyway I recently purchased a broach for my black coat because I felt like it was a little too conservative and wanted to personalize it to my own sense of style. Now this broach is fairly unique I bought it in the states at a kind of shady store called Hot Topic, it sells a lot of darker pop culture things; gothic clothes, piercings, band shirts, fairy paraphanelia, etc. The broach is a crystal studded skull. My Aunt noticed it and said something along the lines of 'why are you wearing that?....I don't like that you are....you shouldn't be wearing somethin like that...do you know what that represents?' I responded with 'i like it...it's hard core rock starish. It reminds me of pirates.' I looked at my dad and rolled my eyes then and he smiled a knowing smile back at me. Well I though that would be the end of it but I should have known that the Pellmann family doesn't drop things so easily.
Later that night my Aunt came up to me as I was sitting with her 18 year old daughter and said 'Adrienne what do you think that means?' and I said 'poison' (you know on poison bottles?). Then she said something about darkness and how when we wear things like that it invites things to harm us even though we don't mean it too. I told her that I heard what she said and understood what she was saying. She got a little upset and said that she knew what I was really saying. Anyway after she left my cousin then asked me what I thought about what she said and I told her that it was a difference in opinion and that she was being superstitious. She then told me that different symbols do mean different things. I rebutted with yes, for example a pentagram or anarchy symbol do stand for evil things and can invoke evil. Yet, I am not wearing something that is related to witch-craft or is intended to. Ya, that's my rant, at least it wasn't like when my aunt's confronted me about my plugs in my ear lobes and how they were related to evil pagan practices in Africa. In sense I just think that they are fearful of my cousin's and I rebelling or not acting or looking lady like.

Christmas is here!

2005-12-24T16:20:00.000-05:00

So I''m celebrating Christmas with my mom's side of the family, we open our gifts on Christmas Eve (a german traditon) and I'm exhausted but excited! I'm grumpy but happy! I need more sleep but I'm running on adrenaline. I was up until 3am wrapping gifts for my large exteneded family. Praise Jesus that I had a job so that I could actually buy gifts this year. I had a lot of fun thinking of things. Britt (my closest female cousin) is here, I love her so much. Well gotta go we are about to gorge on our feast so bye.

Super Sonic Power!

2005-12-23T21:56:00.000-05:00

You know what I love about driving standard? I love when you want to miss a red and the light is yellow that you down shift from third into second and it gives you this surge of power! Like in that car movie where they use NOS. Except I'm not and my car is a ford escort waggon. LOL, ya I know I'm crazy!

Guesss What!

2005-12-17T19:35:00.000-05:00

My parent's are takimg me to California! Yes, my dream trip is going to come true! Dad has a business seminar he is going to in Cali at the end of March so they invited me to come along too. At first I was hesitant to accept because I didn't want to be the spoiled only child who gets everything she wants. Then I thought, 'this is the chance of a life time, don't be stupid Adrienne take this opportunity'. So ya I'm going! Their taking me as my 25th Birthday present. We'll be their for nine days, I'll even get to take the rental car on my own if I want some me time. We're going to go see the Redwood's as well!!!!! I am very excited (that old r&b song 'Too Close' just came on " step back your dancin kinda close, feel a little flow comin through from you......I get so excited....oooh your dancin real close....your makin it hard for me' Good tune to bump and grind to....but I don't do that anymore!)....where was I oh ya the REDWOODS! This experience I believe is going to be a spiritual experience for me, to be in the midst of something so old and so alive, smell fresh clean air and sense the life of the earth beneath me. OH MAN I CAN'T WAIT! We might go to an organic farm as well, so that will be fun to see and sample some of the delicious produce. I want to learn how to surf as well.... but I have to let go of the self concious side of me and just do it. It is something I have wanted to learn to do for a long time. We will be situated in San Jose which is near a little gulf so I don't think I'll have to worry about sharks that much either. Maybe I can just pick up some hot surfer dudes and get them to teach me. I could play the ditsy girl who needs help. Cuz you know I'm like that (sarcasm included). Ya, either way I'm going to make a fool of myself. Something I'm a pro at! Anyway I will talk to you later. I think my next post is going to be entitled 'awkward moments on the 401'.

"These are my thoughts not yours!"

2005-12-15T16:39:00.000-05:00

I was listening to CBC the other day and it was discussing a scientist's findings regarding why men have a hard time listening to women. First of all I would just like to say if Canada were to be defined by any'thing' it would have to be CBC because it is truly Canadia and it keeps Canada from defining itself from American media. Okay I said it and now on to what this scientist found. 'His' findings showed that women's voices are two tones above males voices (duh). Due to this tonal difference women's voices are more complex than male voices. Therefore indicating that male voices are much more simple. Women's voices take on a more sing song tone that requires men to make more of an effort to decifer what a women is saying. So men's attention spand for listening to a women speak is shorter. Want to know what I think? Bulllll Shit! This guy just wants an excuse for not listening to his wife! The arguement could go the other way around. Men's voices are so simple that women have a hard time listening to them because they're voice is very monotone with little tonal inflection. In general I just think society has a hard time communicating to each other.

Cadbury is known for it's Easter milk chocolat mini-eggs. Recently I was in the store and saw these same eggs except they were in Christmas colours. I think it is hilarious that Cadbury realizes that they have a product that sells well at Easter so they decided to change the colour to make more money on them at Christmas. Eggs also have nothing to with Christmas. Unless you want to blow things out of proportion and say that Jesus was created from Mary's egg????

Christmas Wish List
1. Digital Camera
2. Multi-surface driving lessons
3. Skateboard
4. Trip to some place warm

Random thoughts I had at work or from work

2005-12-13T19:57:00.000-05:00

1. Love is blind and sometimes love is blind to us.

2. I hate sick people! At work all these old people with horrible breath come in and I hate it. Now it woudn't be so bad if it was just bad breath but this is disgusting sickness breath. Breath where you can smell the sickness on them and even taste it (Eewghhhh [shudder]). So now I am slowly getting sick! I blame it on the man who came into my work smelling like dirty adult diaper. The man was fully mobile and had no excuse for not changing his depends! It brought up bad memories of a man I use to wait on at Second Cup. He arrived in a taxi with a walker, and would sit at the same place every time. He stank like shit! Actually he stank like fermented shit! One time he actually wet himself and I had to clean it up. He smelt so bad that even customers complained. So needless to say this new man brough up bad memories from the past. So much so that I stayed as far away from him as possible and actually hid my face in my shirt.
I blame my sickness on the women with the horrible flem breath, who I assisted with finding an item. Then I prayed that I wouldn't have to ring her in for fear of smelling her breath again. And yes(trumpet sound), God granted my request of not having to ring her in.

3. At the end of work I resisted the temptation of going to Dairy Queen for a brownie batter blizzard and instead bough Chocolate Soy So Good icecream. To quote Audrey Hepburn 'I'm a good girl, I am'. No bloating from dairy but sugar from icecream. I compromised.

I hate being female....

2005-12-11T19:50:00.000-05:00

sometimes. I think I am beginning to PMS and I hate it! I have been getting so emotional, everything that is warm and fuzzy makes me cry. Seriously, music that has a lot of silky cresendo's, cheesy commercials (those diamond silhouette ones get me everytime), watching people with their kids, pictures of people in impoverished countries and especially watching couples together. They all make me so emotional! I hate it cuz I usually am a fairly hard person and don't let things like that get to me. I just stuff it down and move on with life but it is in my time of weakness that I begin to feel again. Sometimes I wonder if God allows women to go through this time cuz he wants us to feel. Yet my theory could be easily proven wrong because their are those women who are just emotional basket cases that cry at the drop of a hat. I think for me He is teaching me to allow myself to have emotion and not deny myself of it. A lot of times I try to be strong so that people do not see my weakness. Although I am very expressive with my face that it is hard to not tell what I am feeling. I also have such a short fuse that sometimes I just can't hide my angry emotions (Yikes).

The Breast Christmas Ever....let me explain

2005-12-09T22:11:00.000-05:00

I sometimes need a dose of hip-hop music so I sometimes tune into the Detroit R&B and Hip-Hop station. Well the other day I was listening to the station and this add came on for..... 'The Breast Christmas Ever'. The radio station is giving away free boob jobs for Christmas to three 'lucky' women who send in tasteful pictures of themselves. Crazy eh!

Note to Self:
Eating red beans and rice at work = deadly combination!

Random funny things about today that just needed to be posted

2005-12-05T18:24:00.000-05:00

On my way to work I was listening to the radio and one of the announcers I listen to always does a daily review of things that have been in the news. This report is half true and half fictional or all true but really wierd. So the DJ started doing his daily review andI was kind of half listening and half not. Well he starts talking about how this guy embezzled money from the cardio-vascular association, an association that raises money for heart disease (the number one killer in North America). Then he goes on to say that the lonely sap was using the money to pay for his Dominatrix to fly from LA to NYC. The courts are putting this guy away for 15 years.....but he won't have to worry about spending money on hiring someone to beat him because he'll get it for free in jail. What a sick and twisted world we live in!

Two random annoying things happened to me at work today.
1. A lady came up to my till and I began to ring her in. I go to grab her items and she grabs my hands and exclaims 'oh Oh oh' and presses on my nails. I state that they are my real nails blah blah. Then I go to ring in the bird seed she had and she decides she hasn't decided on it yet and wants to put it aside. A normal request but then it gets wierd, I then go to grab her other items and all that is left is a lolli-pop. I ask her if she has anymore items and she says no. So I ring in her lolli-pop and it comes to .33 cents. She then proceeds to get her debit card out to pay. She paid .33 cents on her debit card for a lolli-pop! Who does that!

2. Oh and then another lady came in with her reciept and a $2.00 coupon. She looks at me and says 'here is the reciept from the purchase I made last week. I forgot to bring in my coupon can I use it now for my purchase?' I look at her and say ' I don't think we can do that but I'll check', so I go and talk to my manager and my manager tells me to give her two dollars. So I give her two dollars out of the till. Who does that! You wouldn't do that at Zehrs or Wal-Mart! It's only two freaken dollars! Get over it people, next time remember the coupon! Urghhhh people annoy me!

I had a great night!

2005-12-04T23:10:00.002-05:00

Tonight was our second bimonthly 'Voice' (coffee house/open mic) and it was great! I put a lot of work into it and God rewarded my efforts. Today while I was getting ready I was thinking 'I hope that this goes well tonight. I feel like I put so much work into everything and then stuff just doesn't work out the way I want it to'. Well it went great, the kids did really well. I must make special note of Joe and Dan who did some rhymen and even used their own beats. The last time they did an okay job. This time they took my advice to practice a lot before hand and they used music that didn't already have words in it. Over all they did a 'slammin good job' (quote from Save the Last dance, such a great flick). The kids were wavin their hands in the air and hollerin out to them, it was great! One girl even did a few moves.
Overall I had a good time and I think everyone else did as well. I think that the kids just didn't know what to expect last time so this time they were prepared for what was coming.

I had a great night!

2005-12-04T23:10:00.001-05:00

Today I'm a Bitch!

2005-11-29T19:06:00.000-05:00

So ya, today everything just seemed to get on my nerves. Everything being customers who were very demanding of my time and attention. Today the phone just kept on ringing and ringing. Then all these picky ladies came in and wanted help. Then you get the women who want you to be their personal shopper. I was just getting really irritated at having to put my own needs aside and help others. People are so demanding and lazy! They almost want you to do the shopping for them! Anyway I just needed some space and everything was grating on my nerves! I felt like I was PMSing but I wasn't.

Me and My Struggle with Self

2005-11-26T16:18:00.000-05:00

Okay, so this is the post I have put off writting cuz I have been working it out in my head. I didn't know how I could explain this part of who I am to all you cyber readers out their. It is something I am just begining to understand as well. If you all have not noticed already my grammar and spelling in my posts is horrible! Do you want to know why? Sigh....it is part of one of my flaws, my brain doesn't function like everyone elses. I learn very differently from other people. Some would call it a learning dissability but I hate that terminalogy! Cuz, that lumps me in with people who have extreme special needs. I don't! My brain has adapted ways of translating information so that it can comprehend things. Yet, my idiosyncracies shine through sometimes and it can be embarrassing. To look at me and talk to me nothing would seem out of the ordinary....but years of going down to the resource room, falling behind in school while the rest of the class moved ahead because it took me longer to understand things has taken a toll on my ego and self-worth.
So I will explain to you how I learn. I learn very systematically and use all of my senses. Their is not one specific type of learning tool such as auditory, hands on, or visual that I prefer. I need them all! If you want to teach me you have to tell me, show me, and then allow me to do it. If you are to teach me someingthing you also have to repeat it more than once to me and tell me why you are telling me how do something so that I understand the result. So breaking down things for me by detailing each step and not just assuming that I will get it because the step before will determin my course of action.
My thought patterns are very sporadic and jumbled. I do not grasp concepts easily even though I desire to understand things. I love learning and try to be teachable. I will comprehend concepts but will not be able to verbalize them because my thoughts are churning so fast that I can't spit things out or I miss something in the translation of the concept.
Me and numbers do not mix as well! I didn't learn how to tell time until around grade eight, phone numbers do not register very easily, dates fly out my head. I have a natural rhythem towards music & dance but can't follow the tightly scripted mathematical notations of sheet music or beats in a dance routine. An example of me getting confused with numbers is in the CPR class that I am in right now. Remebering how many breaths and compressions for adults, enfants, and children. Plus the order that the different steps one takes in assessing an emergency situation, such as when to check ones pulse, how long do you give AR, etc etc. It gets very jumbled in my head!
I get my left and right confused sometimes, mostly when I am tired. I get very confused when given directions, I can't have anything explained to me vaguely, I need a map and written instructions. Living in Toronto and taking the TTC forced me to learn how to do this more and to not be afraid of it. Their were missed engagements, seedy alleys, wasted tokens, and creepy subway men in the process of my learning process but I did it! My friends were so patient and forgiving towards me.
Ways I have proven to myself that I can overcome my weakness in learning have been completing a university education. Some people who have not had to work through the issues that I have, have not even attempted to get a degree because it seemed too difficult. I have learned how to drive standard, even though I get confused sometimes I can and do drive standard. I struggled the first two months but I did it and continue to do so. The other night my friend Josh taught me how to use the e-brake to do doe-nuts on slick surfaces. This requires some skill but I tackled it, I may not have picked it up as fast as someone else but I did it. Last March I tried wake boarding I got up but it took me several tries (I didn't stay up for long). It has been in my later years that I have gotten rid of caring about what people think of me and tackled different challenges.
I have strengths but haven't been able to develop them because I have had to focus so much on all of my weaknesses. So my skill level has never gotten the proper attention it should have in those areas, so overall I have become average in all areas of my life. My weaknesses have been frustrating but they have also made me stronger. It is the thorn in my flesh that God has given me for a reason. One day I hope that he will heal me of it. Mom has seen me struggle and has prayed for healing. One time during high school I had a dream that I understood all of the concepts I was learning in Math, all of the complex puzzles became clear to me and then when i woke up I had forgotten it all. So in a way I know that I have the capability somewhere in my brain to easily understand that information but for some reason their is a mental block. For now I am learning how to embrace it and use it to my advantage. It has given me an empathy towards others who have it worse of then I do. Sometimes my standards for myself are pretty high and when I can't meet them I find it hard to accept myself. So please pray for me in regards to that. And so this is part of my struggle with self.

Slowing down

2005-11-21T12:09:00.000-05:00

I'm going to cut back on how much I blog on here. I find that it is taking up to much of my time. Kind of like what MSN did when I first got it. Instead I need to pick up the phone and call someone. So if anyone wants me to call them shoot me an e/mail with your number.

I'm an Addict (really I am)

2005-11-20T18:09:00.000-05:00

Please be forewarned that my grammatical device for this post is (bracket).
So my first week in the lunch room at my current place of employment I noticed a particular container on the counter next to the coffee maker. On the label of this container it said colorant a cafe, it took me a moment to translate because I was thinking 'coloring for coffee?' Then I figured it out 'coffee whitener!' Then I got to thinking (oooh Jack Jonhson's on, sooo good! I love the whole surffer culture. I can be a poser in Canada cuz their aren't any surfers here...now where was I going?) about what I have been educating myself on lately, which is food! Cuz I love food and I love to cook but also I know that a lot of our illnesses in North America are due to diet. Not necessarily because we don't eat right (we don't!) but because we don't know about where our food comes from. We are poisoning ourselves! We don't know how it is grown, how it is manufactured, packaged and raised! The fact that we have to whiten our coffee rather than use real milk is an indication. Why do we have to add more chemicals to our coffee (which is already a type of mild narcotic) blows my mind! Even if one were to put real milk in their coffee, do people know how cows are raised? How cows are given loads of growth hormones so that they grow faster and beefier, or given tons of anti-biotics so that they stay healthy. Do people not realize that whatever goes into the cow goes into us???? Have they not noticed how tall our generation has become? Hint hint, growth hormones in the meat we eat?!? Not only that but how the animals are treated? Chickens in cages for the duration of their lives, put on conveyor belts like they are objects. Veale! Baby cows put into tiny cubicles fattened and then butchered for their succulant fatty cuts. Animals eating animals! We feed our animals other animals by taking what isn't sellable and making it into feed. Mad cow disease anyone?!?
This isn't what God intended when he created the earth and asked man to watch over it! Yet it hasn't been the Christians who have taken up the slack! Instead we have obese pastors in our pulpits and gluttony is rarely talked about in the church! The ones who have taken up the slack are the 'kooky' hippie new ager types. I recently read a book about a women who lived in one of the rare Redwood trees in Washington for two years in order to save it. I also recently read a book by the actor Woody Harrelson (Woody from the hit TV show Cheers), who went on a bike tour down the West Coast stopping in different places to speak about sustainable living. Check out his site at www.voiceyourself.com Sustainable living means to live on things that will sustain the earth. By sustaining the earth we are being good stewards of what God has given to us so that other generations can enjoy the bounty of God's earth (Woody didn't say it like that, he would have said something about giving back to the Mother [the ambiguous life source]). Anyway I think it's time that we don't live in ignorance and keep inadvertantly killing ourselves.
Something that Woody brought up in his book was how people in North America are addicted to sugar! It's true! I am such an addict! I went off of sugar and numerous other things this Summer and to say the least it was a huge struggle! The first thing to enter back into my diet was sugar. Sugar is a comfort food! It makes us feel good while we are eating it and then we feel rotten afterwards. Yet we keep eating it for that short high! Sugar is in everything, chips, salad dressing, soup, KETCHUP (N.A. and it's addiction to Ketchup), peanut butter, rice crispies everything! N.A. relies on carbs to make it feel full, fries, chips, white breads, white rice, buns potatoes, cakes, pancakes, toast....these are all transformed into sugar in our bodies. Now, that I have allowed sugar back into my diet and being away from it for so long I find it so hard to go off of it again. I just want to binge and binge on stuff that has sugar in it. It is so hard at work because people will bring in cookies, chocolate cake and candies to share with everyone. I just can't resist a bite! Then my bite turns into a piece and then another piece, it's because I can't have it that I want it! I'm an all or nothing girl so if I'm not going to do something then I go cold turkey but if I'm going to do something it is because I believe in it or want it really badly. So having just a bite really isn't enough for me, I want it all! My parents brough me back chocolate from Germany I obstained from it for two months then I had a little and then I had a little more and then I just gorged myself! Ridiculous, I felt really guilty and upset with myself. It wasn't worth the binge! I had to ask my mom to take the chocolate away and hide it..... but I was hooked! So much so that two days later I raided her room in search for them.....and I found it and ate some of it. So bad! What would drive me to do that? An addiction my friends.
I recently read one of the natural living magazines that we get from the health food store. In the magazine it talked about a girl who realized that sugar was one of the things that was contributing to her moodiness and suicidal tendencies so she went off sugar and started taking a supplement called L Glutemine. L Gluetmine is sometimes used for people who have addictions to drugs and alcohol. Dopimine(sp?) is something that the brain uses to make nural transmissions in the brain. The brain stops producing enough dopimine when it becomes addicted to drugs and alcohol. L Gluetimine helps reverse the affects of the chemicals the brain has been using instead of dopimeine. L Glutemine acts as a strengthener to help rebuild the dopimine production so the brain can make the neural transmissions it needs.
So my friends I am a sugar junkie.

Recipe for recovery

Hot Cocoa (without the additives)

1 1/2 cups Rice Milk
1T fair trade organic Cocoa Camino (Canadian produced)
1t or to taste Stevia (a sweet leaf that isn't a sweetner or a sugar, it actually helps to balance your bodies sugar cravings, amazing!)

Simmer in pot stirring continuously until cocoa and stevia are dissolved and milk is warm. Pour in favourite mug and enjoy the pure chocolate goodness.

Daily Dose of Chick Music

2005-11-19T17:35:00.000-05:00

"If a car wasn't suppose to turn around then
why was it made with a steering wheel?"
Lauryn Hill
"It's like meeting the man of your dreams and then meeting his beautiful
wife"
Alanis Morisette

"I didn't kiss someone so that they could break my hear"
Lisa Loeb

"The saddest part of a brocken heart isn't the end so much as the
start"
Leslie Feist

I Do

When I'm done with thinking, then I'm done with you.
When I'm done with crying, then I'm done with you.
When I feel so tired, then I'm done with you.
Everybody feels this way sometimes, everybody feels this way-

And I do.
You can't hear it, but I do.
You can't hear it, but I do.

You're trying to convince me that what I've done's not right.
I get so frustrated, I stay up every night.
You ask me for an answer, and I'm so tired and I'm up in the air.
Everybody feels this way sometimes, everybody feels this way.

And I do.
You can't hear it, but I do.
You can't hear it, but I'm feeling this way just because you say

I will be ignored.
I will be denied.
I could be erased.
I could be brushed aside.
I will get scared, and I will get shoved down,
but I feel like I do because you push me around.

I'm starting to ignore you, I doubted you so long.
I'm tired of overthinking, I know you don't belong.
Now I'm asking questions - no one pushes me around/
Everybody feels this way sometimes, everybody feels this way.

And I do.
You can't hear it, but I do.
You don't seem angry, but I do.
I do.

Lisa Loeb

Christian Online Dating and other interesting things

2005-11-15T19:41:00.000-05:00

Okay so this is a topic I have wanted to put up but have been too chicken to because I am afraid of what people will think. Although I don't think barely anyone checks out my blog so what the heck I'll dive in.
So tonight somehow dad and I had a little heart to heart talk. We started talking about the things I want to do with my life and dad asked me the question of 'how do you think that you will be able to do all those things and raise a family at the same time?' I countered with 'well that is something I'm not really planning on doing' and 'I don't really have a reason in my life to plan on that' brief pause 'I wouldn't mind having someone in my life so that I could plan on that with.' Dad asked if I had prayed about it and I said no because I don't want to think about it. Dad said that he and mom had been praying about it ever since I was twelve. Do you feel the pressure? They know I'm not the brightest light bulb on the block so they want someone to take care of me. Someone who is an engineer and is my mom's best friend's son. Someone who gave me flowers in grade twelve and so now they....well mom hangs onto that hope.
Dad suggested that I check out some of the singles groups in Sarnia, I just looked at the floor with a look of disgust on my face. Then he suggested that if I wanted to go someplace where no one would know me I could go across the boarder. Ya, right like I want to date an American! Sorry I'm not into that! Also I feel like singles groups are just for people who are desperate, you know those theology majors or computer engineer types who have been hiding behind books or computers and have no social skills. I wouldl never meet anyone who I could connect with, unless I like the nice guys who are just too nice!
I have an acquaintence in Sarnia who met her current boyfriend on a Christian singles web-site. This girl had been telling me about how she wasn't interested in meeting anyone because she had things to do and a career to concentrate on, then two months later she meets this guy on this Christian site. If you want to check out the site it is www.christiancafe.com. So anyway she tells me these things and then she goes on a singles site? I swear people are so full of bullshit sometimes, especially the ones who say 'ya I wasn't even looking for a bf or gf, it just happened!' Whatever! So this girl that met her guy online is absolutely gorgeous, tall, thin, blond, with a perky personality, capable of intelligent conversation, active and really sweet. Yet, in a town like the one I live in she couldn't find a man worth her attention so she turns to online dating!?! So I decided to check out this site I type in female seeking male (oooohhh some good funk just came on, shake your body a little), choose the age bracket of 26-30. So I look at some of the guys pictures and profiles. Most of the guys are the theology type of guys who just can't get a girl and have held onto the hope that God made us one person to be compatable with. If that were true then why did God make Saul and David? Why not just stick with Saul and make everyone suffer? So I try looking at younger guys and they seem a lot better off buuuuttt too young! I dunno what I think of meeting a guy online, it just doesn't seem natural or romantic!?! Yet why couldn't God work through the internet to introduce you to someone else? As one guy in his bio put 'I just don't feel like this is the right venue in which God wants me to meet someone.' It is a venue that God could or could not work through.
As a female who has chosen the internet to try and find a guy what kind of etiquette is involved? Does the girl make the first move by contacting a guy? Or does she just calmly wait for the guy to check out her bio? Who innitiates the first meeting? Should one post their picture or not. Speaking of which I pretended to be a male searching a female and found a couple shots of women spilling their cleavage in the shots, nice lets prey on the whole lust factor!?! Urgghhh girls are sooo stupid!
Anway so I'm not really worried about it but I have been thinking about it. My Aunt is 36 and still hasn't met the right guy. She is gorgeous, she is a combination of Charlize Theron and Tyra Banks and has had her heart brocken numerous times. She has a career, lectures at U of T, is very giving but no one wants to settle with her. That just gets me thinking a little. Cuz most guys who are worth my time are married or engaged, if your a Christian you get married young just cuz no one wants to wait for sex for too long. But God supplies right? Maybe one of their wives will die and then I'll have a chance? (Jokes Jokes....or am I?) And so I will end on that note.

Sea Glass and Other Stuff

2005-11-15T11:56:00.000-05:00

If any of you know me very well, you know that I love to collect glass especially depression glass and sea glass. I love the vibrant colours of glass and the way that the light shines on them and through them. So at the beginning of October I went down to the beach a couple of times to tan and collect glass. Their was one particular day that I just kept finding pieces of glass being burped up from the lake onto the shore. Some pieces were smooth from being tossed back and forth on the floor of the lake and a couple pieces still had some jagged edges on them. These jagged pieces needed to be rubbed more and so I threw them back in (Oh man Feist is on [Let it Die] such a good vocalist and song writer) to be made smoother. I asked my mom how long she thought that it took for the glass to be made smooth and she said that some of the pieces could take up to ten years. I think that it probably takes longer. So looking at this glass reminded me of myself and my walk with Christ, I have all these jagged edges that need to be smoothed away and so I get thrown into the sea of life where I am tossed back and forth so that God can form me into what he needs me to be. Sometimes I think that we 'think' we have weathered the seas of life just fine and so we come up for air on shore. Then God sees us in our pride and throws us back in again so we can learn what he needs us to learn. Life is hard but it is during the hard times that we can grow dependant on Him and I would rather life be hard than easy because if life were easy then I would feel like I didn't need Him.
Yes, everything and anything could be made into an analogy and I am sure that sea glass has been used before but it is new for me.
Song for today that has really moved me is Mercy Me's 'Where You Lead Me', I don't usually like mainstream Christian pop/worship music but this song speaks to me about the place that I am in right now. My Aunt forgot this CD at my house last Easter and I started listening to it in the Summer when I felt like I was being spiritually attacked at night.

What is life/ A thousand roads a thousand ways/ And why am I/ So afraid to move/ I crossed the line/ I'm stepping out so come what may/ I'll give it all/ Cause I'm drawn to you / As long as my heart is beating/

Where You lead me, I will follow/ Where You lead me, I'll give my life away/ Where You lead me, I will follow/ Forever and a day

I can't deny/ Your very presence is my life/ And why would I/ Ever turn away/ Cause deep inside/ I know that I can not rely/ On anything/ Less than faith/ As long as my heart is beating/ This is all I'm dreaming of/ To live completely in Your love.

So this is me, this is who I am, Jesus take me and use me!

I feel like crap today!

2005-11-12T16:43:00.000-05:00

Guys I feel like crap, I"m wondering if it is because 1. I racked leaves yesterday 2. I'm coming down with something 3. PMS or 4. because I attempted to play hacky-sack last night. So I tried to get the kids at the Annex (drop-in) to teach me how to play hacky sack and I pulled some muscles in my hips (hee hee) and now it hurts to walk. I use to be so flexible, I guess it just proves that even if I look as old as them it doesn't mean I can still do all the things I use to be able to do when I was their age. But.....I had a break through with one of them during my short lesson in hacky sack. One of the boys (we'll call Joe) is down almost everytime I see him, he just seems to skulk into the Annex with his shoulder's hunched. Joe was expelled from school and so he doesn't really have a lot of hope for the future. So I asked him to teach me how to hacky and he showed me a couple of moves, then he showed me a trick he could do. I praised him by saying "Joe you have some mad hacky skills!". His face totally lit up with this huge grin and all it took was a little bit of encouragement from me for his attitude to completly change. It is those little victories that I love to see!
Hey, I'm kind of afraid that this blog is going to take over my hand written journal I hope I don't get addicted to this because I think I am. But right now I don't have a whole lot of people to talk to so this is kind of good way for me vent and think.

Crescendo's and the Spirit

2005-11-11T11:50:00.000-05:00

So last Wednesday I was listening to some Chantal Kreviazuk and their is this one song called Eve(number nine on one of her CD's). During the song she just lets her voice soar and soar and soar! It is as though she is singing with her spirit and I just couldn't help but sing with her. I love singing, for me it is a release.
That same night I also watched the movie Whale Rider, such a beautiful movie! Dad kept joking that it was so fast paced. I retorted with 'I didn't rent it for you, you don't have to watch it.' I really liked it, it was a beautiful story and deeply touched me. Their is this one part of the story where the girl is by the ocean singing in her native tongue to her dead ancestors and to the whales of the ocean. Her voice is fragile yet strong and you can tell that she is singing with her soul. Then God brough to mind the verse in the Bible that says 'deep cries out to deep'. This girl was singing with her deep (spirit) to the deep (the ocean). In the same way when I sing, I sing with my deep to God's deep so that he will fill the void I have in my heart.
I was also reminded of one of C.S. Lewis's book's in his Chronicles of Narnia series. Their is this one character who has worshipped a God called Tash. The character has devoted his whole life to service to this God because it is the only God that he knows of and so he has been loyal his whole life. Lewis then explains that because of this character's child like devotion it was as though he was actually serving the one true God. Due to this character's desire to serve the creator he thought that he was created by he is welcomed into God's kingdom. How much more so would the girl's character in the movie be welcomed by God as well!?! Not to say that all religions flow into one God because they don't! But who are we to judge who will go to heaven who will not?

Fall and all that it brings!

2005-11-10T17:45:00.000-05:00

Oh how I love Fall! This is the first time in awhile that I have actually been able to enjoy Fall fully. For the past four seasons I have been busy with school work bleh! I like fall because of the smell of decay, the beautiful harvest moon lit nights, and the magnificent depth of all the colours on the trees. Most of all I like the food; fresh cider, mulled cider, fresh market apples, squash, squash soup, pumpkin pie, roasted pumpkin seeds, apple pie I love it! I love it! I love it! Good hearty comfort food that reminds you of times past. I have taken full advantage of this time I have had and I have made two vegan pumkin pies(silken tofu is the secret), one apple pie and squash soup. UMMMM ummmm good!
Fall is beautiful and sadly it will be replaced soon with the gray slush of winter:(

I really do need to explain why my grammar is so absolutely horrendous!

2005-11-09T17:53:00.000-05:00

Okay I am looking over my past posts and cringing at my mix up of words, bad spelling, bad sentence structure and mix up with past and present tenses. But......I don't feel like going into that right now.

Bubble wrap and other things that go bang......

2005-11-06T23:35:00.000-05:00

Okay so I finally get to finish this post.
So today was a not soooo good day it was as though this haze was surrounding me but I'll get to that more later.
Okay so at work we have to un-wrap a lot of the Christmas gifts, and some of them come wrapped in bubble wrap. One day we had all of the bubble wrap on the ground in the back (aka dungeon/garage), I was working a way and Beth walks by on her way to somewhere and stomps on a few of the pieces of bubble wrap. I then say to her "Beth! No no you have to do it like this" and proceed to do a river dance on the bubble wrap. However just as I am doing this, this boy Dar walks in and sees me. Dar is pretty cute so I kind of got embarrassed and quickly stopped and said "that was just me being a geek". He laughs at me and walks away. Ah yes I am a geek and proud of it!
Okay the next part of the story I am cringing about writting but want to write it anyway. Okay so Saturday I had to run an errand for my dad. So I am driving on my way to get whatever it was that he needed. I get to the stop lights just outside of my subdivision and go to make a quick stop, all of sudden my car isn't stopping, I push down on the breaks hard and wait for backup ones them to kick in, still nothing and the car in front of me is getting rapidly closer to me and then bam I slam into them! I realize now that I should have pulled on the emergency break and down shifted instead urggghhhh. So I get out and I look at the damage and repeatedly apologize. Then I look behind me and their is Dar driving a company truck, still dazed and embarrassed I smile and wave to him hoping that if I look fine he will not think that it is wierd that I am standing on the road beside my car with my flashers on (oh pride pride). He smiles and waves back and turns the truck into the parking lot of the variety store. I assume that he is just going to drive by but no! A few moments later I see him sauntering across the parking lot towards me. He comes over to me and asks me a few questions, asks if I am alright, tells me to give him a call at work if I need anything. He then leaves and I am left thinking, 'how can he be so nice to me? He barely even knows me and he is so kind and considerate. If I was in his shoes I would have just driven by'. Dar is the one who also got me my new job after briefly meeting me one night that he decided to randomly volunteer at the youth drop-in, he gets me a job at his work. Bizarre(sp?), how do I gain people's favour so easily? I call my dad and he comes by exchanges info with the lady I hit and tells her where to get a good deal on a new bumper if she needs one. I only put a few scratches on her car so we didn't think it would be a biggy. Then I forgot my shift at work that day because of the whole ordeal, that and I put my new schedule up that said I had the next Sat off and not the Sat that I was currently in. Me being the scatter brain I am got confused. So that made me feel even worse, I hate letting others down because in letting them down I let myself down. Work was pretty understanding about it cuz Dar told everyone about what happened(a good an bad thing).
A day goes by and no word from the lady, then another day comes and dad gets a phone call, she has decided to get a new bumper and it is going to cost me $1000.00! This is money I have been saving for awhile, it isn't much but it is all I have. So last night I cried cuz not only that but applying to the Universities I want to go to is going to cost me $500.00. So needless to say I cried a lot last night because I honestly don't know how I will get a job where I make decent money to do the things I dream of doing.
Today wasn't any better I screwed up twice on cash and was so dissappointed with myself. Their is a lot to remember on the computers and then trying to answer the phones without accidentally hanging up on people instead of transferring them is frustrating. When am I going to find something I excel at? I'm good with people, I'm good at being a friend.....but who gets paid to be a friend? Although I have been wondering if I am a very good friend, none of my friends who have gotten married have asked me to be in their weddings, my one friend who I thought I would have a garanteed chance at standing with her on the biggest day of her life has not invited me to have that pleasure. She was and is? my closest friend and it fucken hurts to know that I am not as important to her as she is to me.
Dad recently gave me a tape by John Maxwell entitled 5 (or 7?) things that don't require talent and I can remember three of them;
Innitiative- Being motivated enough do something or to take a chance.
Courage-Mastering fear not eliminating fear.
Teachability-Being willing to learn something new and take correction.
I can do those things and have done those things but does it make me feel any better, not really because right now I have no outlet to do them in. Ohhhh how my heart hurts, it hurts so badly I feel as though I will explode! I need purpose, I need comfort, and I need arms around me.

Do guys really prefer girls with long hair over short hair?

2005-11-05T09:38:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I recently chopped my hair off really short! Not that I didn't have short hair before I cut it but this is like borderline pixie/bootch short. My dad being the typical guy that he is was thoroughly dissapointed with me the day that I had it done. I loved it at first because I could spike it and the hair dresser styled it really cool.
Back in 2004 I cut my hair pretty short for the first time since my OAC year in high school (51/2 years ago). I loved it! I got the whole short in the back long in the front emo girl style and I think that I looked pretty hot! The reason why I did it though is becaus I wanted a drastic change but also because I had this stupid dream/ridiculous thought (slashes are my grammatical use for today) that I would meet my dream guy soon and if I had short hair he wouldn't like me. What a load of crap but because (oh Nickel Back's Photograph is on, luv this song, just not the band) of my conditioning that guys like long hair and that their is only one person for each person on the earth I kept my hair long. So I overcame my fear and chopped my long blond locks off, in a sense it was almost like a coming of age experience for me, I felt like a new person and I looked like a new person. Then two months ago I decided I would be daring and get the classic bob/pixie cut. Now I am regretting it cuz it I don't feel attractive and it takes forever to style 8-10 minutes.
So anyway this is me being pretty open about my cluttered romantic thoughts about long hair and guys. Maybe it will start some discussion though?